It's been forever.
The good: John and I are strong. I love having someone to talk to, confide in, laugh with, cry on, someone who is my equal. My partner in everything I do. The kids and I moved in with him late in June, after school let out. There has definitely been adjusting to do, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Seeing him daily brings me so much joy.
The kids went to summer camp. Jaime to a week of cub scout camp, which he enjoyed immensely. Eloise to three weeks of swim day camp. She is an amazing swimmer! Ani and Lex went to their Auntie Karyn's house for the whole summer and spent 6 weeks in Girl Scout camp. John and I went up almost every weekend and spent time seeing the girls, swimming in the lake, and laying out on the dock.
The bad: The summer was long, and filled with bumps in the road. Jaime's anxiety was at an all time high with all of the bugs outside and the new environment. The lack of a very structured environment was tough on all of us.
The ugly: Jaime seemed to react poorly to the medication he was on for his anxiety. He had aggressive outbursts that anyone nearby could be a target of, then completely shut down and went mute for about an hour after each one. The outbursts decreased and have nearly stopped after stopping the medication for anxiety. Of course, his anxiety is very high again, but I'll take that over being hit and bitten. He's in an intensive program now, where he is learning more coping skills, and is being closely monitored so that he can get the best treatment possible and be able to successfully function in everyday tasks.
As for me in my journey, I'm good. I have a good balance of meds that leave me feeling like myself, able to function, and not get so low that I can't think of anything but sleep. I still feel emotions, strong emotions. Hurt still comes through. Ignorant words cut deeply. Deep pain at what my child is going through, not being able to magically make it all better.
This too shall pass, and I need to remember that others words and actions are not about me, it is about them, and their insecurities.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
One Week
It is absolutely amazing how one perceives a week. To me, it flies. To the kids, it drags.
I'm constantly busy with classes, work, and homework. They're always on the go as well, but they haven't been around for as long as I have (which admittedly isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things), so, a week feel like an eternity to them.
There were many tears last night when it was time to leave John's and come home for the week. Eloise was sobbing for Lexi and how she already missed her so much. It's hard to see the kids get so upset, they have such precious little time together. I wish I could just ugly cry every time I had to leave too, but that would get me nowhere and I know that the choice to stay with mom and dad for another 6 months was the right decision. Just not the one I *wanted*. Alas, we must think of our children first.
My winter session class is almost over (thank GOD). I have been parked in front of my computer doing work non stop for the past couple of weeks. On the weekends, the kids have been sent outside, or to another room so that mommy could get her work done. I'm glad that I decided to take the class, but will be so relieved when it's behind me. I have 2 more papers, and 1 more speech to give. Then, done...for a couple of days. Then the spring semester starts.
One week. So fast, yet so slow.
I'm constantly busy with classes, work, and homework. They're always on the go as well, but they haven't been around for as long as I have (which admittedly isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things), so, a week feel like an eternity to them.
There were many tears last night when it was time to leave John's and come home for the week. Eloise was sobbing for Lexi and how she already missed her so much. It's hard to see the kids get so upset, they have such precious little time together. I wish I could just ugly cry every time I had to leave too, but that would get me nowhere and I know that the choice to stay with mom and dad for another 6 months was the right decision. Just not the one I *wanted*. Alas, we must think of our children first.
My winter session class is almost over (thank GOD). I have been parked in front of my computer doing work non stop for the past couple of weeks. On the weekends, the kids have been sent outside, or to another room so that mommy could get her work done. I'm glad that I decided to take the class, but will be so relieved when it's behind me. I have 2 more papers, and 1 more speech to give. Then, done...for a couple of days. Then the spring semester starts.
One week. So fast, yet so slow.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Home again.
Today I'm spending some much needed time with my kids. This past week has been a whirlwind and I was just people'd out. I have a fire in the fireplace, pandora on, and laundry going. I don't plan on getting dressed at all today. :)
I spent the past week at John's. It was wonderful being with him all the time. He is so appreciative about having dinner on the table every night, and expressed how nice it is to have someone to sleep next to. I'm going to miss him a lot, and I know he'll miss having us there too. The house is quiet when no one is home. It truly feels like home over there. I have about 6 more months before I move in over there. I'm taking this time to help the kids slowly adjust to being in their new home, their new rooms, and talking about the fact that they'll have a new school. It won't be as hard for Eloise, because she is just starting Kindergarten in the fall. Jaime will have some adjusting to do, but it should be easier than if I took him out of his current school now. Waiting also gives me time to slowly move instead of just moving everything at once. I have time to make sure that all of my things have a home, and that the rooms are all set up the way that I want them.
I also started my winter intersession class last week. It is 3 weeks of class, 3.5 hours a day, 4 days a week. It is very intense, but also very good to be taking public speaking and having it over quickly. I have no time to get nervous about giving a speech. It's assigned, then two days later due. I'm keeping up with my reading, papers, and speeches, but it isn't easy at all. I wouldn't have been able to do class last week without the help of a friend. She babysat all week so that I could go to class and hide at mom and dad's to do my homework before coming home to the kids.
Thursday, I came and got another friend's child so that she could run an errand, and her car ended up breaking down. It is still sitting up on the ramps at John's house. She stayed all weekend, and I'm eternally grateful for all of her help over the weekend. We got a lot accomplished and I feel very good about it.
Tomorrow starts another whirlwind week, with a paper due tomorrow, a speech due on Thursday, and another major paper due a week from today. As soon as this class ends, the spring semester will begin. Keeping busy will help the time to pass quickly. Right now, that's exactly how I want it to be.
Now, back to life.
I spent the past week at John's. It was wonderful being with him all the time. He is so appreciative about having dinner on the table every night, and expressed how nice it is to have someone to sleep next to. I'm going to miss him a lot, and I know he'll miss having us there too. The house is quiet when no one is home. It truly feels like home over there. I have about 6 more months before I move in over there. I'm taking this time to help the kids slowly adjust to being in their new home, their new rooms, and talking about the fact that they'll have a new school. It won't be as hard for Eloise, because she is just starting Kindergarten in the fall. Jaime will have some adjusting to do, but it should be easier than if I took him out of his current school now. Waiting also gives me time to slowly move instead of just moving everything at once. I have time to make sure that all of my things have a home, and that the rooms are all set up the way that I want them.
I also started my winter intersession class last week. It is 3 weeks of class, 3.5 hours a day, 4 days a week. It is very intense, but also very good to be taking public speaking and having it over quickly. I have no time to get nervous about giving a speech. It's assigned, then two days later due. I'm keeping up with my reading, papers, and speeches, but it isn't easy at all. I wouldn't have been able to do class last week without the help of a friend. She babysat all week so that I could go to class and hide at mom and dad's to do my homework before coming home to the kids.
Thursday, I came and got another friend's child so that she could run an errand, and her car ended up breaking down. It is still sitting up on the ramps at John's house. She stayed all weekend, and I'm eternally grateful for all of her help over the weekend. We got a lot accomplished and I feel very good about it.
Tomorrow starts another whirlwind week, with a paper due tomorrow, a speech due on Thursday, and another major paper due a week from today. As soon as this class ends, the spring semester will begin. Keeping busy will help the time to pass quickly. Right now, that's exactly how I want it to be.
Now, back to life.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Getting drunk is easier
Though, not smarter.
Christmas is just not the same now that I'm divorced. I share my day with my ex husband (who I can not stand). From the time the kids get up until 1 in the afternoon, I get to have them. I get to see the joy on their faces, get to see them play with their toys, get to just have my babies. When they leave, I feel lost. This year I went to John's and got to have a little more time with kids around, but then the time came for them to leave too.
Last year I dealt with it by getting drunk. This year, I cried. It was easier to get drunk and be silly. This year the two of us just kind of went about the day like it was just another day. I cleaned the kitchen, he went out to the wood pile. Neither of us talked right away. I was in no condition to talk, or be around others. I just needed to quietly deal with my feelings.
I was exhausted by bedtime. Physically from being up late on Christmas Eve, and emotionally. Maybe next year will be better. Maybe the sting won't be as hard.
It doesn't seem to matter what gender you are. Not having your kids is painful. Divorce sucks.
Christmas is just not the same now that I'm divorced. I share my day with my ex husband (who I can not stand). From the time the kids get up until 1 in the afternoon, I get to have them. I get to see the joy on their faces, get to see them play with their toys, get to just have my babies. When they leave, I feel lost. This year I went to John's and got to have a little more time with kids around, but then the time came for them to leave too.
Last year I dealt with it by getting drunk. This year, I cried. It was easier to get drunk and be silly. This year the two of us just kind of went about the day like it was just another day. I cleaned the kitchen, he went out to the wood pile. Neither of us talked right away. I was in no condition to talk, or be around others. I just needed to quietly deal with my feelings.
I was exhausted by bedtime. Physically from being up late on Christmas Eve, and emotionally. Maybe next year will be better. Maybe the sting won't be as hard.
It doesn't seem to matter what gender you are. Not having your kids is painful. Divorce sucks.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas
This year I'm spending my holiday between two homes.
Last night at John's, tonight at my parents (where I live during the week), then Christmas night with John again. Back and forth, back and forth.
The kids exchanged gifts this morning, and it was so much fun to see the joy on their faces. Jaime opening a lego set that belonged to John as a child, Eloise getting puzzles (her favorite thing to), Aiyana and Alexi getting bags filled with goodies and their names embroidered on them. We've spent the morning playing with new things. Me with my camera, Aiyana with her yarn and crochet hook, Lexi with her sticker book, Jaime with his legos, and Eloise just staring at the puzzle boxes, waiting to open them until it wasn't so crazy.
Having all of the kids under one roof makes the family feel complete. The kids miss each other on the weeks they don't see each other, and I miss the kids when they aren't here. Every other weekend it's just me and John, which is nice, but I still think about, and miss all of the kids.
Through all of this, I'm discovering that change, when made slowly, can be wonderful. All of the kids are falling nicely into the new routine, and I'm learning how to take care of 4 instead of 2.
I've learned that you don't have to divide your love, it just grows with each new child that is added to your life. Our family isn't traditional, but it is wonderful.
Last night at John's, tonight at my parents (where I live during the week), then Christmas night with John again. Back and forth, back and forth.
The kids exchanged gifts this morning, and it was so much fun to see the joy on their faces. Jaime opening a lego set that belonged to John as a child, Eloise getting puzzles (her favorite thing to), Aiyana and Alexi getting bags filled with goodies and their names embroidered on them. We've spent the morning playing with new things. Me with my camera, Aiyana with her yarn and crochet hook, Lexi with her sticker book, Jaime with his legos, and Eloise just staring at the puzzle boxes, waiting to open them until it wasn't so crazy.
Having all of the kids under one roof makes the family feel complete. The kids miss each other on the weeks they don't see each other, and I miss the kids when they aren't here. Every other weekend it's just me and John, which is nice, but I still think about, and miss all of the kids.
Through all of this, I'm discovering that change, when made slowly, can be wonderful. All of the kids are falling nicely into the new routine, and I'm learning how to take care of 4 instead of 2.
I've learned that you don't have to divide your love, it just grows with each new child that is added to your life. Our family isn't traditional, but it is wonderful.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Happy Adoption Day!!!
Today is my 23rd adoption day.
26 years ago in June, my biological father was murdered. My mother was left with a 2 year old (me), a 3 year old (my sister), and my 6 week old brother. She is one of the strongest women that I know. She survived the shock of losing a husband, a father to her children, and being thrown into single parenthood. Three years later, she started dating the wonderful man that I call Dad.
On August 6th, 1988 my mom married my dad. On December 13th, 1988 we legally became his children. We already were, we had been calling him "dad" for months prior, but now, it was official. We tacked on another (long) last name to our previous last name, and this wonderful man took full responsibility for raising us. It hasn't always been fun, or easy, but he's done an amazing job. He continues to blow me away with his unwavering love, and the amazing love he has for his grandkids.
I'm so blessed to have a father. Not just the father I was born to, but a father who chose me, for better or for worse.
26 years ago in June, my biological father was murdered. My mother was left with a 2 year old (me), a 3 year old (my sister), and my 6 week old brother. She is one of the strongest women that I know. She survived the shock of losing a husband, a father to her children, and being thrown into single parenthood. Three years later, she started dating the wonderful man that I call Dad.
On August 6th, 1988 my mom married my dad. On December 13th, 1988 we legally became his children. We already were, we had been calling him "dad" for months prior, but now, it was official. We tacked on another (long) last name to our previous last name, and this wonderful man took full responsibility for raising us. It hasn't always been fun, or easy, but he's done an amazing job. He continues to blow me away with his unwavering love, and the amazing love he has for his grandkids.
I'm so blessed to have a father. Not just the father I was born to, but a father who chose me, for better or for worse.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
♪♫ It's the most wonderful time of the year ♫♪
Or, it can be.
Right now I'm sitting in the kitchen at John's, enjoying every second of this season. The kids laughter, the smell of fresh cookies coming out of the oven, the gathering of families. Sometimes I'm stressed out to the max. It depends on the day. What is nice is that there seems to be a balance this year. I get stressed, then the weekend rolls around to relax me. The weekends are never long enough, but they never ever have been. This year the weekends are a time for an escape. A much needed escape from the bustle of the season.
This weekend we have all of the kids. So far we've been to a family reunion at John's parents house, and I baked 4 dozen cookies. (I'm not entirely sure why I baked, but it was relaxing and quite tasty. I had a cookie after they came out of the oven.) Tomorrow the kids and I are going back to mom and dad's to decorate the Christmas tree. It'll be the first year with 4 kids helping. I think the magic and joy of Christmas are truly the faces of the kids when you do things like decorate the tree, and on Christmas morning when they all realize that Santa has been to the house.
I am so blessed to have the amazing people in my life that I have.
Right now I'm sitting in the kitchen at John's, enjoying every second of this season. The kids laughter, the smell of fresh cookies coming out of the oven, the gathering of families. Sometimes I'm stressed out to the max. It depends on the day. What is nice is that there seems to be a balance this year. I get stressed, then the weekend rolls around to relax me. The weekends are never long enough, but they never ever have been. This year the weekends are a time for an escape. A much needed escape from the bustle of the season.
This weekend we have all of the kids. So far we've been to a family reunion at John's parents house, and I baked 4 dozen cookies. (I'm not entirely sure why I baked, but it was relaxing and quite tasty. I had a cookie after they came out of the oven.) Tomorrow the kids and I are going back to mom and dad's to decorate the Christmas tree. It'll be the first year with 4 kids helping. I think the magic and joy of Christmas are truly the faces of the kids when you do things like decorate the tree, and on Christmas morning when they all realize that Santa has been to the house.
I am so blessed to have the amazing people in my life that I have.
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