Today I weep

I weep for what is lost
I weep for those I love
I weep from hurt, from betrayal, from pain
I weep, for things are not as they seem

I weep, I feel, I hurt, I love

I live

Busy again

Work, school, kids, friends, love.  All of these take time.  Precious time.  I've been keeping busy, mostly with school, work and kids.  What little time I have left is for friends and love.

We're about halfway through the semester and I have discovered a couple of things.  I love my job.  I love admin work, working with people, using the computer to create things, use software I haven't used before.  I don't even mind the phone calls too much.  There are parts of every job that aren't great, but the good seriously outweighs the bad in this job.  Too bad it's just a work study. 
     I also discovered that I only need 4 more classes to graduate.  10 years of off and on college and I'm finally close to an associate's degree.  I can TASTE it.  In Fall 2012, I will graduate, then move on to work on my bachelor's.  It may have taken me a long time to get here, and it certainly hasn't been easy doing it this way, but it worked. 

Friends.  Much going on.  Friends are hurting, and need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone to just listen to what they need to say.  I can be that person, they're there for me when I'm down and need someone.  Friendships are give and take.  Those that don't go both ways, don't last. 

Love.  Things are moving at the pace they're supposed to move at.  Slower than I'd like, but at just the right pace for everyone involved.  In a short time (when you look at the bigger picture) everything will change once again.  A fresh start for everyone.  Right now, we have time to learn, grow, and adjust to the changes life has brought us.  Everything is as it should be.

"Notable"

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

 

 

For the first time since starting group several months ago, my behavior was "notable".  On the sheet that the therapists keep for every one's files there is a section for how you're acting.  The therapist has two choices.  WNL (within normal limits) or Notable.  They look at your mood, anxiety levels, and how you respond to treatment.  I cried today.  I cried out of frustration, sadness and anger.  Things will change, and in short order.  I just need to get through the next few weeks, then the holidays, then the rest of the school year.

 

I have been frustrated with things lately and it built up and I lost it today.  There are going to be bumps in the road to recovery.  Today was a sinkhole.  It is the season of local politics.  My mom is a local politician.  She's running for her 4th term on the town council.  I lived here the last election, and it wasn't bad.  This time, the people running do little but spew venom.  Often times about my mother.  It is effecting me more than I thought it would.  There are things I can't read, and websites I can't visit anymore.  It is just so disgusting.  It reminds me of walking through the halls of a middle school.  That is the way people are behaving today. 

 

I know that no one other than my therapist, close friends, and family knows how all of this is affecting my life, but I wish I could share it.  People don't think before they talk.  They spew venom at other people, and probably don't lead very happy lives.  I wish that people could see through someone else's eyes how they look.  Even me.  I could stand to look at myself from the outside in from time to time.  I think that we all need checks and balances on how we act towards other people. 

 

My first step is to get to November 8th.  Election day.  Then I need to get through exams.  Then the holidays.  Then the end of the school year.

 

One day at a time.  One step at a time.  "Smile, breathe, and go slowly." Thich Naht Hanh

Miracles

“People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

All is a miracle.  How true.  Everyday when we open our eyes, we start a new day full of miracles.  The only people who seem to view life this way, are children.  We take waking up for granted.  We just assume when we go to sleep at night, that our eyes will open in the morning.  What if they didn't?  Are you happy with your life?  Are you at peace with how you've lived, and the decisions you've made?

I'm working towards contentment.  Working to make sure that I feel like I've lived a good life when I go to sleep at night, that I feel at peace with the way I've behaved, treated other people, and the decisions I made that day.

I wonder, if we all changed one thing about our day if we would be happier?

The slow Journey

“Smile, breathe and go slowly.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

 

 

I have a hard time remembering this sometimes.  I want what I want, and I want it NOW!!  :)  Right now my relationship is an exercise in patience.  The time will come when we will be able to be together all the time, but now is not that time. 

 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am excited, as are my parents I'm sure.  I've been here two years, 2 months.  That is a long time.  I don't think any of us were thinking it would be that long when we first moved in.  In fact, I was planning on staying for about 6 months and just having a separation from my ex-husband for that time, then moving back in with him.  That quickly changed to getting a divorce, and took 17 months (but who counted???).  Now, I'm at a new part of my life and going to start over, once again.

 

Right now, my light is 8 months away.  8 months of weekends, phone calls, and dinners whenever we can squeeze them in.

 

Right now I need to smile, and enjoy the love.  Breathe, and relax while letting the flower bloom.  Go slowly, and enjoy the journey.

Alexandra

When I was at my lowest low back in May, I didn't think that anything was worth being around for anymore, except for my kids.  I wasn't connecting with my friends in a way that felt meaningful, and all of my relationships seemed to have just crumbled around me.  I got through that low low with the help of doctors, social workers, and family.  In June, when I started my outpatient program, I just kept to myself mostly.  Didn't open up to anyone that wasn't in my clinical group and didn't talk to anyone on breaks.

Then Alex came along.

For some reason, after about a week, we clicked.  We started talking, and realized that we had some stuff in common.  At group, they discourage friendship with group members outside of the clinical setting.  After I "graduated" and Alex was still there, we connected outside of the "safe environment".  We started by having lunch together and talking, and it soon morphed into her coming over to my house to hang, and spend time with my family.  She caught some flack for it when the group found out, but one clinician stood up for her and encouraged her saying that we could be a good support for each other.

Honestly, some days I'm not sure what I would do without her.  She's become a regular fixture at the Monday and Thursday dinner table.  The kids love it when she's there, just visiting or babysitting.  I've gone to a party at her place, met some cool people that she's friends with, and she's met one of the other most important people in my life right now.  I trust her with my secrets, my thoughts, my desires.  It is so wonderful to have a friend who understands what you're going through, and who can help you get through the tough times as well as be there for all of the good times as well.

I feel so blessed to have such an amazing person enter my life just when I needed a friend the most.

Morning has broken

I'm happy it's Thursday.  That means it's almost the weekend, which makes me so very happy!

This weekend I have John's girls for the bulk of the weekend.  I can't say that I'm unhappy about it either.  The kids pretty much entertain themselves when they're together.  Being a holiday weekend, I don't have my two on Saturday, or Monday.  That is a VERY good thing since I still have classes on Monday.  I'll actually be able to GO to classes.  Jaime also has off on Tuesday for a professional development day.

I'm going to be spending the evening with John.  Doing dinner and then taking a dip in the hot tub, as long as the weather stays nice.

I feel immensely better since having therapy yesterday.  Having therapy gives me the chance to speak what's on my mind to someone who is totally neutral.  I have group today, which gives me a chance to learn, and implement new coping skills for when I'm feeling down, angry, or any other emotion you can think of.  Even how to deal with the good changes in life, because even when the changes are good, change is difficult.  Sometimes we even get homework (which didn't get done this week OOOOOPS) due to the sickling I have.  Gotta love those monkey wrenches!

Relationships

There are days when I feel like I’ve lost a friend.  Someone who I was once extremely close to is no longer in my inner circle.  We still talk, communicate, and work together to coordinate things, but the closeness has died.  Some days I’m beyond happy with all of the change that’s happening in my life, other days I feel the bitter sting of sadness when I look and see what I’ve lost.  What I’ve gained is amazing, incredible, and wonderful, but what I’ve lost, or rather, what has changed is hard to take some days.

Sometimes I just want to share my joy, but realize that what I find to be amazing and joyful, someone else might see differently.  I keep much of what I’m feeling to myself.  I deal with it on a personal level, and work through some of it in therapy.  I wish I had a closer network of girlfriends.  I have a couple of really good friends, but we’re all in such different places in our lives that sometimes I need someone more.  Right now, I don’t have that someone.

Relationships change.  Some grow, some die, some evolve very quickly, and some very slowly. 

How do you find comfort, and what you need when the world around you is ever changing?  Nothing is constant.  Nothing is stagnant.  Nothing is forever.

I'm doing my best right now to build new relationships and not to isolate, though some days it's hard.  I'm coming up on the season that is the hardest for me.  Winter is tough because of the weather, lack of sunlight, a late sunrise and early sunset.  I know that I need to get out during the day when the sun is out, no matter how cold it is, just to get fresh air and what little sunlight I can get.  It sure is hard on those freezing days, the days where it just snows without letting up, and even now, the rainy fall days that we've been having. 

I'm combating the urge to sleep more than I should, and trying to stay active and involved with school, work and choir.

"Looks like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"

That would be me.  I have a case of the Mondays today. 

My weekend was so busy that I just crashed today.  Eloise was home with a double ear infection, 2nd time within about a month that she's had an ear infection.  She was feeling miserable, so we had "girl time" as she called it.  I made her mac and cheese for lunch, and she got some apple chips to snack on. 

I will make up my lab on Wednesday this week, as I couldn't bring my little sicky to school with me.  I don't think that OSHA would be thrilled with a 4 year old in the biology lab. 

Even with having some down time, I was exhausted and choir was tough.  When I'm really tired (and not feeling 100% myself) hitting those high notes is really challenging.  I would have loved to play the role of alto today.  I hit them, and I feel a little strained tonight.  I wish that the director would warm us up just a *bit* higher.  Then maybe it wouldn't suck so much!

Tomorrow is another day.  I'll get up, get dressed, get the kids off to Mary's, then head off to work.  I have therapy this week and I'm actually really happy about that.  It will be nice to have that time to focus on me and relax with some guided meditation before the craziness of the next weekend hits.

Another weekend gone

Yesterday was a blast.  Cynthia was a radiant bride.  Her gown was elegant and she looked absolutely stunning.  Eloise was really good...until in the middle of the vows she announced that she had to go potty.  *giggle*  Fortunately Cynthia and Timmy were really good about it.  Everyone chuckled and I ran her inside to go to the bathroom.  The reception was lovely.  Outside in a tent, a cider mill, where people took turns making fresh cider to drink (and ooooooooooh was it good!).  The play list was amazing, the food was delicious, and just watching Cynthia be a social butterfly going from table to table talking to everyone.  The "misfits" table, aka friends, were right next to Cynthia and Timmy's table right in the middle of everything.  She took lots of time and careful planning, including all of the landscaping all summer, to make this a perfect day.  The rain even stopped so that the ceremony could go on as planned, outside.

Last night I spent the night at John's.  It's my new weekend routine.  I go there, with kids, without kids, it doesn't matter.  The nice thing is that they know him, and have for several years, so I'm not worried about bringing them around him.  This morning he and I made venison stew and put it in the crockpot.  It was smelling so good when I left!  I love the weekends.  They're usually a little crazy, but fun and wonderful.  I feel so at home with John.

Tonight I have a Dexter premiere party with Alex.  I just baked the cupcakes.  She has the whole thing planned out.  Pulled pork and potato salad, and red velvet cupcakes for dessert.  It's going to be so much fun :)

And I leave with this picture.  Miss Eloise being a flower girl!

The week in review...

This has felt like the worlds longest week.  I'm not entirely sure why, just lots going on I guess.

I had a test in biology on Monday, and I have a test in my computer course today.  I also have a wedding to go to.

My best friend from high school is getting married today.  They've been together for 9 years.  She is so excited.  I'm hoping the weather clears up soon, as it's raining and the wedding is outdoors.  Eloise is the flower girl.  She's walking down the aisle hand in hand with one of the bridesmaids.  She looks like a little doll all dressed up.  I'm going to curl her hair, and she'll have a wreath of babies breath in her hair.  ♥

After I'm done partying it up at the wedding, I'll be off for the night.  I live for the weekends.  Tomorrow, I need to do homework, and make cupcakes for Alex's Dexter party.  Good times :) 

Being back in the full swing of school is tough, but rewarding.  I'm really enjoying just taking two classes.  I prefer part time school to full time school.  I could probably do 3/4 time.  I might try next semester and see how three classes goes.  After talking to my advisor of course.  Or an advisor...maybe not *my* advisor...I'm not terribly comfortable with him...

Off to take a test!