The weekend

This weekend was a blast.  We all went to the Renaissance Faire.  4 adults, 4 children.  It was a great child to adult ratio :-p  The kids were all amazing.  There is Aiyana, 7, Jaime, 6, Lexi, 5, and Eloise, 4.  This was my first time at the Faire and it will certainly not be my last.  In fact, I think that we're going to be returning sooner rather than later.  I'm looking at the 2nd weekend in October. 

With all of the fun we had, we had some trying times too.  The sleepover.  The kids all had a hard time getting to sleep, which is unusual for Jaime.  He is just about the easiest kid in the world to get to bed, unless he's overstimulated, and he was.  I'm sure that over time all of the kinks will be worked out and we'll get a bedtime routine down.  For now, it will be trial and error.  We're going to have to play with it over the next couple of months to get things right.

As for me personally, things are going quite well.  I still have good days and rough days (I can't say bad, because it has been a really long time since I've had a genuinely bad day).  I get through the rough with the help of family and friends, and the good are often because of the wonderful people in my life.  I can never remember being this happy.  I remember faking it, and being pleased with some things, but never true happiness.  There were glimmers of hope through all of the darkness, but the happiness was never able to break through.  I still remember all of the overcompensating and acting that I did to get through my days.  It was worth it so that I can experience what I have now.  Everything was worth it.  The breakdown, the hospitalization, the IOP, the continuing therapy I'm doing now.  Those were the steps I had to take to get to where I am right now.

I have love, I have family, I have friends.  That is all I need.

Cooking day!

Let's caption my day.  I baked today!!!!

First, Alex and I did a trial run on our red velvet cupcakes for her Dexter premiere party.  These are the naked cupcakes.  They are made from scratch, not a stinky box mix :)

Next, we dressed the cupcakes up with lovely cream cheese frosting.  Thick, creamy, not too sweet.  Perfection.

Next up came the blood.  It's Dexter...there has to be blood.  The final product will have a sugar knife in it, but we haven't gotten those yet.  I love Halloween stuff =)
(mom says this is why the two of us are in therapy.)  :) lol.











Then came the real cooking.  This is called a borscht, but it's really a beef stew with beets.  It has stew beef, bay leaf, carrot, celery, onion, garlic, tomato paste, shredded beets and cabbage.

This is the finished product.  Obviously, red is the color of the day.  :-p  

Obviously, all of this cooking has made me red too.  :) 

I had a really great day with Alexandra.  We usually do.  It is so nice to have a friend that gets where I'm coming from, and has struggled with similar issues.  We met in our outpatient group, and while generally it is frowned upon to hang out with people outside of group, sometimes it's OK.  We're the exception to the rule.  My clinician was glad that we connected, because she thought that we could be good support systems for the other.  We are.

Until next time, I'll just keep having more fun in the kitchen!

Love is...

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This verse speaks to me in so many more ways than the standard "wedding verse".  I try to think of this in terms of life.  In how I treat others, how I treat my children, as well as how I love in a romantic sense.  I don't identify myself with any specific religion, but I think the Bible is an important piece of literature that has meaningful words, just as I pull quotes from things ranging from Winnie the Pooh to Thich Nhat Hanh.

There is so much love in the world if you really stop to look.  Mothers, fathers and their children, grandparents, spouses, friends, neighbors. 

I am so lucky to have a life full of love.  I am surrounded by it.  Love from my parents, unbending and unconditional.  Love from my children, who come to me when they're hurt, sick, or just want a hug.  The love I feel for them is stronger than any other love in the world.  Love from my friends, who stand by me through the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The true friends who have always been there no matter how far gone I was.  Love of a man.  Someone who loves me for who I am and nothing more.  Someone who just wants to spend time with me, even if it's just to sit on the couch and do nothing.  Someone who is proud of my accomplishments, and is eager to see me reach my goals.

When I lost sight of all of the love that surrounds me, I went to a dark place that was hard to come out of.  Without all of that love, I don't think I would have come out of it.  I had friends to hold my hand, parents to support me so I didn't fall right back down, children to give me hugs and kisses and remind me that life is worth living.  Step by step, with people holding my hands to support me if I stumbled, and sometimes people to carry me when I couldn't make it on my own.

I am the luckiest woman in the world.

A picture is worth 1,000 words...

Keeping busy!!

Busy, happy, BUSY!!!

I've been so busy lately.  I'm pouring myself into school, getting my work done and having some fun along the way.

This weekend I went to a car show with a friend and his two girls.  My kids were with their father (which is another blog for another day)  I love walking around and looking at all of the cars, new and old.  The funniest part was when some random guy told me the flux capacitor wasn't working in a specific Delorean LMAO.  The girls were blank faced wondering what I was chuckling at.  Hehehe!  There was also a lego expert there with approximately 60,000 Legos for kids to play with.  Some of the things that this guy made were just amazing.  It is so cool what you can do with legos.  I got Jaime a book of cool cars and trucks to build.  He loves his lego sets.

I'm all caught up on everything school related until tomorrow.  Then I'll have another multi page lab write up to do.  As long as I keep on top of things, it isn't too bad.  It just takes hours upon hours to do...  It'll be nice over Thanksgiving to have a nice recess where I don't work or go to class for a few days.

Tomorrow is my first rehearsal with the Mystic River Chorale.  I have a babysitter all lined up, and I'm psyched to get into it.  It has been way way WAY too long since I've had the pleasure of singing with a group.  It's going to be tough being out until 10 rehearsing though.  Rehearsals run from 7-9:15 every Monday night, then it's a half hour home, shower, and bed. 

Life has thrown me some unexpected curve balls lately, but nothing bad, and nothing I can't handle.

Always remember

I love you so deeply there are no words to express what I feel
When you cry, I cry
When you laugh, it's the most amazing sound in the world
When you're proud, I'm bursting with pride
When you're hurt, I feel your pain
When you tell me you love me, my heart feels joy
I'm already proud of who you are, the potential you have, the things you've overcome, and who you will become in the future
You are my light, my reason for being, my everything

♪♫ Caro Mio Ben ♫♪

"I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours.  But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places.  Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality."

~H.A. Overstreet

I'm in.  I did it.  I faced my nerves and auditioned for a chorale. 

Tonight was my first audition in about 10 years.  It was a real audition too.  They tested my range, had me pitch matching, I sang my audition piece, and sight read.  I still stink at sight reading.  It doesn't matter if you throw a random page of notes at me, or an excerpt from a German piece.  I suck at sight reading, but, no matter.  I pick up on things quickly, and I'm in the chorale.  Rehearsals start next week.  So Mondays, which are already busy, just got busier and I couldn't be more thrilled.

There are so many aspects of my life that are good right now.  I'm doing so well on practically every front.  Things just seem to be falling into place as if they were just meant to happen exactly in this specific way.

There is just one part of my life right now that has some turmoil.  I'm taking a good hard look at the kids' overnight visitation.  Due to a change in circumstances, I feel even less comfortable with the idea of the kids spending the night with their dad.  I was never too keen on the idea before, but there wasn't any reason for me to stop the visits.  Now I'm left with even more unrest, and lack of an idea about what my next step will be.  Hopefully my attorney will be able to steer me in the right direction and my kids will be able to remain safe on their visits with their father.

Reflections

"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."

- Tori Amos

10 years ago this country experienced a horror that it hasn't often seen.

I was in my first semester of college.  I remember my alarm clock going off, and hearing that one of the twin towers had been hit by a plane.  I didn't have a TV, so I immediately went to CNN's website.  It was jammed.  I couldn't get any information to load at all, so I went into the common room and turned on the television.  I watched, in horror, as the second tower was hit by the plane.  I was still watching when the towers fell, not believing what I was seeing.  I never imagined that in my lifetime we would ever witness such a terrifying act of violence. 

The campus shut down for two full days, some classes didn't meet at all for the rest of the week.  Many people left campus to go and be with family, some of us stayed.  People donated blood, did whatever they could think of to help.  Some people were lost, some scared.  The Muslim population on campus laid low, not knowing if they would be looked at differently now that this had occurred.

I remember talking to family, wishing that I had a way home.  It wouldn't have done anything to be home instead of at school.  I'd still be sitting around watching footage of the attack.  I would have been more comfortable, and possibly less afraid if I could have been with those who I loved.

The images are still burned vividly in my mind.  The pictures, the footage, the stories of survival that were printed in the magazines and newspapers.  The images of people jumping out of the building so they didn't have to burn.  The days that followed where they pulled out body after body, no one still alive.

Now I look at my children, ages 6 and 4, who weren't alive and have no idea what today signifies.  Much how my generation is about Pearl Harbor.  We know what happened, but we weren't there for the horror of the attack.  I know it is my job to teach them, to screen what they see, so they aren't traumatized by the images of people dying, but to make them understand the gravity of the event.

I will never forget.  I will never lose the looks of terror, despair, pain that people felt that day.  Like so many others, I will pray on this day for those who lost their lives, and for their families.

The calm before the storm

"Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment I know this is the only moment."
— Thich Nhat Hanh (Being Peace)

I've recently started getting up at 5 am.  I love the hour before the kids get up.  I have time to wake up in the quiet, drink my coffee, and watch as the sun rises each morning. 

My kids are early risers.  They're usually up around 6 am or shortly after.  When I allow myself to sleep until they get up, the mornings are chaotic.  Getting up earlier than them gives me some peaceful time to wake up and prepare for the day. 

Today, I have a class from 9-12, then I have to do something with the kids.  I'm thinking about taking them to the fair, so that they can see the animals and do some fun things.  I'm not used to having the kids on a Saturday, but their father contacted me last night to tell me that he will be unable to take them.  I'm looking forward to doing something fun with them!

Reviving my soul

“Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life”
Berthold Auerbach

I have been singing.  ALL.DAY. 

Once upon a time I used to love singing.  I was in the chorus, the madrigals, the women's chorus, and I was a part of the All Regional and All New England choirs.  I even went to college as a voice major on my first try at college.  I let that part of me die for a long time, though not intentionally.  I tried singing in the church choir for a bit, but the rehearsals were at 8 on Sunday mornings.  I didn't have anyone to watch my kids.  My ex-husband wouldn't do it, and I couldn't bring them with me, so I let it go.

Now, as part of my recovery, I'm bringing the music back into my life.  On Monday evening, I'm auditioning for a community choir.  Guess what my audition piece is?  That's right!  Caro Mio Ben.  It's the gold standard in the vocal world.  Anyone who takes vocal lessons learns it, and sings it for a recital, and audition, you name it, it's been done.  My voice is tired, but it feels SO good to be singing again.  Singing brings me to a place that nothing else can.  It is something that I excel at.  It is an escape for me.  I can sing words in Italian, French, German, languages that I only speak in song.  Languages that are far more expressive than English.  For the three minutes it takes me to sing the piece, I'm someone else completely.  I could be a scorned lover, a young woman who is consumed by love, a woman singing her last words as she dies a tragic death. 

This part of me that has been dead for so long is being revived, and I feel amazing because of it.  I will never again let something that is so important to my soul die.

Peace

"The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

 

There is a certain peace first thing in the morning that you don't get to experience when you sleep in.  This morning I set my alarm for 5 am.  When it went off, I laid around for about 5 minutes, then got up.  By doing this I was able to have some time this morning without the kids up.  I had to be up so that Eloise could be ready to go at 6:15.  With her in Pre-K, she has to be up and ready to go in with my mom, since her school is on my mom's way into work.

 

I was able to have my coffee this morning in total peace.  No one talking to me, no one waiting for their breakfasts, no one running around playing.  My morning has been significantly less chaotic, both for me and the kids.  I'm sitting here at quarter after 7 completely showered, dressed, hair done, and makeup done instead of running around getting the kids dressed, lunches packed, breakfasts on the table, all while praying we make it out the door by 8 so that I can get to work on time!

 

Without all of the rushing around, my morning is calm and peaceful.  I feel like this is the way to set all 3 of us up for a good day.

 

 

Speaking and listening

"I am determined to practice deep listening. I am determined to practice loving speech."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

When was the last time you listened to someone?  Did you actually listen, or just hear what they had to say?  There is a huge difference, and I know I'm guilty of hearing what people say without actually listening.  Just this weekend, as I sat in class, I heard everything that the professor said, but didn't actively listen the whole time.  I spent a lot of time just scanning what he was saying and doing other things on the computer while he yammered on.  I'm guilty of this in other aspects too.  Sometimes I'll get bored of hearing what people have to say and just listen and nod my head at the appropriate times.  These are the conversations that I'm unable to recall when the issues are brought up another time. 

This week, I will practice active, deep listening.  At home, in class, at work, and at therapy.  Especially in my relationships.  Those with friends, and family.

Loving speech is not always easy.  When I'm annoyed, I tend to get sharp with my words, my tone, and my demeanor.  It was pointed out to me this weekend that I do this.  I wasn't even consciously aware that I was doing it.  I heard what was said to me, and I listened to what was said to me.  I will now work on changing that particular behavior.  For me, loving speech is the hardest to do when it's needed the most.  When I'm annoyed by things, when something goes wrong, when I'm told something I don't want to hear.  I suspect, that by being aware of my tone, and using loving speech instead of barking directions, that everyone in my family unit will be much happier.

In the dark

I'm sitting in the library at school typing this.  We are currently on day 5 with no power at my house.  It's lovely.  I don't miss the TV, I can live without the Internet, but the no running water is KILLING ME.  We're bathing with Dr. Bronner's soap in the lake, doing dishes with boiled water, mostly using paper plates and plastic cutlery, and hanging out after dark by the light of the hurricane lamps.

When Irene hit, it had been downgraded to a tropical storm.  I can't imagine what an actual hurricane would have done.  I hope we don't get another storm like that for another 20 years.  It was terrifying.  Trees snapping, big branches coming down, one tree only missing the house by about 10 feet.  All of the things I thought were really cool about Hurricane Bob, I found incredibly scary this time.  I guess that's the difference between an 8 year old and a 28 year old.  You know the potential for damage...  Fortunately, we all stayed safe, the basement stayed dry, the tree missed the house, and none of the cars were damaged.

I started classes this week, which is really nice.  I love getting out of the house and using my brain :)  I had my first Biology lecture yesterday.  It was really interesting.  I like the professor's teaching style.  She really caters to everyone.  She lectures, uses visual aids (powerpoint) and gives examples.  It's nice to listen to someone that doesn't end up sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher after 5 minutes.  I'm looking forward to having lab (which won't be for another week, we missed Monday after the storm, and this week is Labor Day).

All in all, things are good, life is busy, and we're starting to get into a schedule.  I think things will be much calmer when Jaime starts school on Tuesday.  Maybe we'll have power by then :D