Getting drunk is easier

Though, not smarter.

Christmas is just not the same now that I'm divorced.  I share my day with my ex husband (who I can not stand).  From the time the kids get up until 1 in the afternoon, I get to have them.  I get to see the joy on their faces, get to see them play with their toys, get to just have my babies.  When they leave, I feel lost.  This year I went to John's and got to have a little more time with kids around, but then the time came for them to leave too.

Last year I dealt with it by getting drunk.  This year, I cried.  It was easier to get drunk and be silly.  This year the two of us just kind of went about the day like it was just another day.  I cleaned the kitchen, he went out to the wood pile.  Neither of us talked right away.  I was in no condition to talk, or be around others.  I just needed to quietly deal with my feelings.

I was exhausted by bedtime.  Physically from being up late on Christmas Eve, and emotionally.  Maybe next year will be better.  Maybe the sting won't be as hard. 

It doesn't seem to matter what gender you are.  Not having your kids is painful.  Divorce sucks.

Merry Christmas

This year I'm spending my holiday between two homes. 
Last night at John's, tonight at my parents (where I live during the week), then Christmas night with John again.  Back and forth, back and forth. 

The kids exchanged gifts this morning, and it was so much fun to see the joy on their faces.  Jaime opening a lego set that belonged to John as a child, Eloise getting puzzles (her favorite thing to), Aiyana and Alexi getting bags filled with goodies and their names embroidered on them.  We've spent the morning playing with new things.  Me with my camera, Aiyana with her yarn and crochet hook, Lexi with her sticker book, Jaime with his legos, and Eloise just staring at the puzzle boxes, waiting to open them until it wasn't so crazy.

Having all of the kids under one roof makes the family feel complete.  The kids miss each other on the weeks they don't see each other, and I miss the kids when they aren't here.  Every other weekend it's just me and John, which is nice, but I still think about, and miss all of the kids.

Through all of this, I'm discovering that change, when made slowly, can be wonderful.  All of the kids are falling nicely into the new routine, and I'm learning how to take care of 4 instead of 2. 

I've learned that you don't have to divide your love, it just grows with each new child that is added to your life.  Our family isn't traditional, but it is wonderful.

Happy Adoption Day!!!

Today is my 23rd adoption day. 

26 years ago in June, my biological father was murdered.  My mother was left with a 2 year old (me), a 3 year old (my sister), and my 6 week old brother.  She is one of the strongest women that I know.  She survived the shock of losing a husband, a father to her children, and being thrown into single parenthood.  Three years later, she started dating the wonderful man that I call Dad.

On August 6th, 1988 my mom married my dad.  On December 13th, 1988 we legally became his children.  We already were, we had been calling him "dad" for months prior, but now, it was official.  We tacked on another (long) last name to our previous last name, and this wonderful man took full responsibility for raising us.  It hasn't always been fun, or easy, but he's done an amazing job.  He continues to blow me away with his unwavering love, and the amazing love he has for his grandkids.

I'm so blessed to have a father.  Not just the father I was born to, but a father who chose me, for better or for worse.

♪♫ It's the most wonderful time of the year ♫♪

Or, it can be. 

Right now I'm sitting in the kitchen at John's, enjoying every second of this season.  The kids laughter, the smell of fresh cookies coming out of the oven, the gathering of families.  Sometimes I'm stressed out to the max.  It depends on the day.  What is nice is that there seems to be a balance this year.  I get stressed, then the weekend rolls around to relax me.  The weekends are never long enough, but they never ever have been.  This year the weekends are a time for an escape.  A much needed escape from the bustle of the season. 

This weekend we have all of the kids.  So far we've been to a family reunion at John's parents house, and I baked 4 dozen cookies. (I'm not entirely sure why I baked, but it was relaxing and quite tasty.  I had a cookie after they came out of the oven.)  Tomorrow the kids and I are going back to mom and dad's to decorate the Christmas tree.  It'll be the first year with 4 kids helping.  I think the magic and joy of Christmas are truly the faces of the kids when you do things like decorate the tree, and on Christmas morning when they all realize that Santa has been to the house.

I am so blessed to have the amazing people in my life that I have. 

Can I please have the floor?

After all, I am the primary caregiver.

My son had an appointment with a child psychiatrist today.  My ex came to the appointment.  He had the floor the entire time we were there while what I had to say, and my concerns were dismissed.  This doctor had the worst bedside manner that I have ever witnessed, and didn't have any child therapists that he refers to.  </headdesk>

To dismiss a parent is horrible, but to dismiss the custodial parent is deplorable.  How on earth can you get an accurate picture of what is going on in a child's life if the story you're hearing is one sided?  How can you treat a child if you don't have the whole picture?

I made many phone calls after the appointment to try and find something else.  I finally settled on the agency that takes care of my therapy and med management.  He has an appointment next week, and I feel much better that both parents will be heard, he will receive the services he needs, and see a doctor who is in the same practice for medication management, for both his anxiety and his ADHD.

I admit, I didn't handle this situation with grace.  I was a sobbing snivilling mess for a good portion of the afternoon.  I was able to get it together to make phone calls to friends who have used child therapists, and to the agency that I use.  I may not have had a totally level head, but I was able to pull it together enough to get what I needed to done, and I'm proud of myself for being able to do that.

Scary thoughts...

Reality check: Fewer than one-third of adults with a mental illness receive mental health treatment. More awareness and advocacy needed for sure.

This is a sad truth indeed posted by NAMI today.  Not only are more awareness and advocacy needed, there needs to be a major reform in health care.  

Unless you are very well off, or dirt poor, services just aren't feasible.  When I was married, and considered to be middle class, I couldn't afford to go to therapy.  A weekly $20 copay wasn't in the budget with two small kids, and bills to pay.  I certainly wouldn't have been able to afford the bi-weekly therapy that I receive now, or the copay for APRN who prescribes my medications.  Lets not even talk about the copay for medicine.  With everything that I take, it would be around $100 per month.  So for the therapy I receive currently, it would cost roughly $280 per month in copays alone.  That didn't fit in the budget, so I didn't get services.

Another thing that hinders people getting services is getting someone to see you.  Trying to find a therapist that 1. takes new patients, and 2. takes your insurance, is no small feat.  It takes a mental health crisis to get into see a therapist.  It seems that if the referral doesn't come from a hospital, or a PHP (partial hospitalization program) it isn't taken seriously.  It would be far less expensive for all involved to provide preventative services, at little to no cost to the patient, than to pay for at least a week of hospitalization and 6 weeks of PHP.  For two days of PHP, the bill was close to $2000, multiply that times 5 for 6 weeks, and you're looking at about $30,000 in medical expenses.  Most people don't stay at 5 days a week for the entire time, realistically it would be more like $20,000 which is still an astronomical figure.

Now, being below poverty level, I get the services I need at no cost to me.  I won't always be eligible for this program, and to be honest, the thought of not being able to afford my therapy terrifies me.  If there aren't changes made soon, I could be out of therapy and struggling to make it on my own.  

I know that many people won't agree with the fact that we need healthcare reform, but think of how much better millions of Americans could be if services were available and affordable.

Happiness

What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.

- Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama 

Happy and Useful.  I've never thought of it like this.  What is happiness if it is of no use to yourself, or more appropriately to someone else?  What good is happiness if you've lost everything you once had?

I am happy.  I share my happiness with the people I come across.  I share it by being helpful, pleasant in my interactions, and being there for my friends through thick and thin.  By doing this, I get pleasure from my every day encounters.  I feel like this helps me in every aspect of my life.  It helps my depression, it helps my mood, it helps me keep my temper at bay, it helps me relate to people.  For me, being happy helps me to BE useful.  Being useful helps to MAKE me happy.

Through all of the recent changes in my life, I've realized that my happiness is not dependent on one person.  There are lots of people that make me happy, and those that don't have no significant role in my life anymore.  Friendship, and relationships are a two way street.  Each person involved in each relationship, whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship has a duty to make sure that the other is happy.  If this breaks down on either side, the friendship or relationship cracks.  Sometimes beyond repair.  

I'm not saying that you have to spend every second of your life trying to make others happy, but I believe that by taking a few minutes out of your day to try and improve someones day, even just a little bit, will make you a happier person.  When you do for someone else, they will do for you.  No matter what kind of relationship you have.  

Without being useful to someone else, without sharing your wealth of happiness, what good is having it at all?

The two most intimate moments...

Ironically, the two most intimate moments in our lives are events we don't remember.  Our birth, and our death.

I have witnessed the beginning, of my own two beautiful children, and the end, of my dear friend Alex's mother.  Neither of us were present for her actual death, but we were there to share moments when we could talk to her and do things for her, as well as after she fell into a coma, never to awaken again.

It's been just over a week.

A week where we have shared tears and laughter, made plans, gone through boxes, and just done nothing.  A week where we shared a bittersweet holiday.  A week when just knowing that I was there was a comfort.

Each day will go on, life will go on, and I will be there for Alex as she goes through the stages of grief.  There have been, and will be good days and bad days.  Days of laughter, family and fun, and days of tears, anger, and a heaviness that feels crushing at times.

4 kids, one love, 72 hours.

72 hours.

That is approximately  how much time I spent away this weekend.  Away from the home where I rest my head ~6 nights a week.

It was busy, and wonderful.  All of the kids were home.  It amazes me how sometimes 4 kids can be easier than having just 2.  Sometimes it all just works out so that they get along and play nicely keeping themselves and each other occupied.  This was one of those weekends.  For the first time in about a month, my two monkeys were able to calm down and go to sleep at their normal times.  That means they're starting to adjust to the change in location on the weekends.  That is good for me.  They're transitioning well to the changes in all of our lives.  The other two also seem to be adjusting to the changes in their lives.  It must be hard for all four of them, but they all seem to be rolling with the punches and adjusting fairly well.  There are still many changes on the horizon, but as long as everyone involved continues to support the kiddos through all of the changes I think that everything will work out well in the long run.

Along with the 4 kids, I got to spend the weekend with my love.  2 whole nights.  It doesn't sound like much, but I usually only get 1 night, so it was bliss.  We work well together.  We communicate well, have a wonderful loving, supportive relationship, and I just feel at peace when I'm with him.  I look forward to the day when I get to spend every night with him.

The weekend ended with a celebration.  A birthday party.  Dinner was tacos, and dessert was a flourless chocolate cake that turned out pretty awesome.  It was nice to spend time with the whole family, however strange our little family may be.  The family that consists of friends and children that when put together act as one family unit.  I hope that we can continue the closeness that we all have despite all of the changes that have, and will come.  It may not be traditional, but it's my family, my reality, and I truly love it.

Reaching out

Reaching out for friends
Old and new
Friends who'll help me to get through

Friends who'll listen
Friends who'll talk
Friends who'll hold me

Reaching out for love
Old and new
Love to lift me up
Love that's true

Reaching out for help

Unconditional love

Yesterday I went to the hospital, with Alex to meet her mother.  Her mom is a beautiful person.  Her mom is dying. 

Yesterday, I witnessed unconditional love.  Love between a mother and daughter.  Alex's strength is amazing to me.  She goes up, takes care of her mother, paints her nails, lotions her hands, talks to her even though her mother can't communicate as well as she once could.  Any time that she has with her mom is so precious to her, and you can see that from both of them.  I'm in awe of Alex.  How strong she is when she's at the hospital.  I don't know that I would be able to have that same strength.  Everyone handles things so differently, and these two women are handling an emotional situation with such grace. 

Next weekend, I hope to return and spend more time with these amazing women.  I can learn much from seeing their interactions, the grace in which they handle life, and death. 

I feel honored that I was invited into such and intimate time between mother and daughter. 

I can only hope that I will be able to someday offer the support and love that I have seen to my family.

Today I weep

I weep for what is lost
I weep for those I love
I weep from hurt, from betrayal, from pain
I weep, for things are not as they seem

I weep, I feel, I hurt, I love

I live

Busy again

Work, school, kids, friends, love.  All of these take time.  Precious time.  I've been keeping busy, mostly with school, work and kids.  What little time I have left is for friends and love.

We're about halfway through the semester and I have discovered a couple of things.  I love my job.  I love admin work, working with people, using the computer to create things, use software I haven't used before.  I don't even mind the phone calls too much.  There are parts of every job that aren't great, but the good seriously outweighs the bad in this job.  Too bad it's just a work study. 
     I also discovered that I only need 4 more classes to graduate.  10 years of off and on college and I'm finally close to an associate's degree.  I can TASTE it.  In Fall 2012, I will graduate, then move on to work on my bachelor's.  It may have taken me a long time to get here, and it certainly hasn't been easy doing it this way, but it worked. 

Friends.  Much going on.  Friends are hurting, and need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone to just listen to what they need to say.  I can be that person, they're there for me when I'm down and need someone.  Friendships are give and take.  Those that don't go both ways, don't last. 

Love.  Things are moving at the pace they're supposed to move at.  Slower than I'd like, but at just the right pace for everyone involved.  In a short time (when you look at the bigger picture) everything will change once again.  A fresh start for everyone.  Right now, we have time to learn, grow, and adjust to the changes life has brought us.  Everything is as it should be.

"Notable"

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

 

 

For the first time since starting group several months ago, my behavior was "notable".  On the sheet that the therapists keep for every one's files there is a section for how you're acting.  The therapist has two choices.  WNL (within normal limits) or Notable.  They look at your mood, anxiety levels, and how you respond to treatment.  I cried today.  I cried out of frustration, sadness and anger.  Things will change, and in short order.  I just need to get through the next few weeks, then the holidays, then the rest of the school year.

 

I have been frustrated with things lately and it built up and I lost it today.  There are going to be bumps in the road to recovery.  Today was a sinkhole.  It is the season of local politics.  My mom is a local politician.  She's running for her 4th term on the town council.  I lived here the last election, and it wasn't bad.  This time, the people running do little but spew venom.  Often times about my mother.  It is effecting me more than I thought it would.  There are things I can't read, and websites I can't visit anymore.  It is just so disgusting.  It reminds me of walking through the halls of a middle school.  That is the way people are behaving today. 

 

I know that no one other than my therapist, close friends, and family knows how all of this is affecting my life, but I wish I could share it.  People don't think before they talk.  They spew venom at other people, and probably don't lead very happy lives.  I wish that people could see through someone else's eyes how they look.  Even me.  I could stand to look at myself from the outside in from time to time.  I think that we all need checks and balances on how we act towards other people. 

 

My first step is to get to November 8th.  Election day.  Then I need to get through exams.  Then the holidays.  Then the end of the school year.

 

One day at a time.  One step at a time.  "Smile, breathe, and go slowly." Thich Naht Hanh

Miracles

“People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

All is a miracle.  How true.  Everyday when we open our eyes, we start a new day full of miracles.  The only people who seem to view life this way, are children.  We take waking up for granted.  We just assume when we go to sleep at night, that our eyes will open in the morning.  What if they didn't?  Are you happy with your life?  Are you at peace with how you've lived, and the decisions you've made?

I'm working towards contentment.  Working to make sure that I feel like I've lived a good life when I go to sleep at night, that I feel at peace with the way I've behaved, treated other people, and the decisions I made that day.

I wonder, if we all changed one thing about our day if we would be happier?

The slow Journey

“Smile, breathe and go slowly.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

 

 

I have a hard time remembering this sometimes.  I want what I want, and I want it NOW!!  :)  Right now my relationship is an exercise in patience.  The time will come when we will be able to be together all the time, but now is not that time. 

 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am excited, as are my parents I'm sure.  I've been here two years, 2 months.  That is a long time.  I don't think any of us were thinking it would be that long when we first moved in.  In fact, I was planning on staying for about 6 months and just having a separation from my ex-husband for that time, then moving back in with him.  That quickly changed to getting a divorce, and took 17 months (but who counted???).  Now, I'm at a new part of my life and going to start over, once again.

 

Right now, my light is 8 months away.  8 months of weekends, phone calls, and dinners whenever we can squeeze them in.

 

Right now I need to smile, and enjoy the love.  Breathe, and relax while letting the flower bloom.  Go slowly, and enjoy the journey.

Alexandra

When I was at my lowest low back in May, I didn't think that anything was worth being around for anymore, except for my kids.  I wasn't connecting with my friends in a way that felt meaningful, and all of my relationships seemed to have just crumbled around me.  I got through that low low with the help of doctors, social workers, and family.  In June, when I started my outpatient program, I just kept to myself mostly.  Didn't open up to anyone that wasn't in my clinical group and didn't talk to anyone on breaks.

Then Alex came along.

For some reason, after about a week, we clicked.  We started talking, and realized that we had some stuff in common.  At group, they discourage friendship with group members outside of the clinical setting.  After I "graduated" and Alex was still there, we connected outside of the "safe environment".  We started by having lunch together and talking, and it soon morphed into her coming over to my house to hang, and spend time with my family.  She caught some flack for it when the group found out, but one clinician stood up for her and encouraged her saying that we could be a good support for each other.

Honestly, some days I'm not sure what I would do without her.  She's become a regular fixture at the Monday and Thursday dinner table.  The kids love it when she's there, just visiting or babysitting.  I've gone to a party at her place, met some cool people that she's friends with, and she's met one of the other most important people in my life right now.  I trust her with my secrets, my thoughts, my desires.  It is so wonderful to have a friend who understands what you're going through, and who can help you get through the tough times as well as be there for all of the good times as well.

I feel so blessed to have such an amazing person enter my life just when I needed a friend the most.

Morning has broken

I'm happy it's Thursday.  That means it's almost the weekend, which makes me so very happy!

This weekend I have John's girls for the bulk of the weekend.  I can't say that I'm unhappy about it either.  The kids pretty much entertain themselves when they're together.  Being a holiday weekend, I don't have my two on Saturday, or Monday.  That is a VERY good thing since I still have classes on Monday.  I'll actually be able to GO to classes.  Jaime also has off on Tuesday for a professional development day.

I'm going to be spending the evening with John.  Doing dinner and then taking a dip in the hot tub, as long as the weather stays nice.

I feel immensely better since having therapy yesterday.  Having therapy gives me the chance to speak what's on my mind to someone who is totally neutral.  I have group today, which gives me a chance to learn, and implement new coping skills for when I'm feeling down, angry, or any other emotion you can think of.  Even how to deal with the good changes in life, because even when the changes are good, change is difficult.  Sometimes we even get homework (which didn't get done this week OOOOOPS) due to the sickling I have.  Gotta love those monkey wrenches!

Relationships

There are days when I feel like I’ve lost a friend.  Someone who I was once extremely close to is no longer in my inner circle.  We still talk, communicate, and work together to coordinate things, but the closeness has died.  Some days I’m beyond happy with all of the change that’s happening in my life, other days I feel the bitter sting of sadness when I look and see what I’ve lost.  What I’ve gained is amazing, incredible, and wonderful, but what I’ve lost, or rather, what has changed is hard to take some days.

Sometimes I just want to share my joy, but realize that what I find to be amazing and joyful, someone else might see differently.  I keep much of what I’m feeling to myself.  I deal with it on a personal level, and work through some of it in therapy.  I wish I had a closer network of girlfriends.  I have a couple of really good friends, but we’re all in such different places in our lives that sometimes I need someone more.  Right now, I don’t have that someone.

Relationships change.  Some grow, some die, some evolve very quickly, and some very slowly. 

How do you find comfort, and what you need when the world around you is ever changing?  Nothing is constant.  Nothing is stagnant.  Nothing is forever.

I'm doing my best right now to build new relationships and not to isolate, though some days it's hard.  I'm coming up on the season that is the hardest for me.  Winter is tough because of the weather, lack of sunlight, a late sunrise and early sunset.  I know that I need to get out during the day when the sun is out, no matter how cold it is, just to get fresh air and what little sunlight I can get.  It sure is hard on those freezing days, the days where it just snows without letting up, and even now, the rainy fall days that we've been having. 

I'm combating the urge to sleep more than I should, and trying to stay active and involved with school, work and choir.

"Looks like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"

That would be me.  I have a case of the Mondays today. 

My weekend was so busy that I just crashed today.  Eloise was home with a double ear infection, 2nd time within about a month that she's had an ear infection.  She was feeling miserable, so we had "girl time" as she called it.  I made her mac and cheese for lunch, and she got some apple chips to snack on. 

I will make up my lab on Wednesday this week, as I couldn't bring my little sicky to school with me.  I don't think that OSHA would be thrilled with a 4 year old in the biology lab. 

Even with having some down time, I was exhausted and choir was tough.  When I'm really tired (and not feeling 100% myself) hitting those high notes is really challenging.  I would have loved to play the role of alto today.  I hit them, and I feel a little strained tonight.  I wish that the director would warm us up just a *bit* higher.  Then maybe it wouldn't suck so much!

Tomorrow is another day.  I'll get up, get dressed, get the kids off to Mary's, then head off to work.  I have therapy this week and I'm actually really happy about that.  It will be nice to have that time to focus on me and relax with some guided meditation before the craziness of the next weekend hits.

Another weekend gone

Yesterday was a blast.  Cynthia was a radiant bride.  Her gown was elegant and she looked absolutely stunning.  Eloise was really good...until in the middle of the vows she announced that she had to go potty.  *giggle*  Fortunately Cynthia and Timmy were really good about it.  Everyone chuckled and I ran her inside to go to the bathroom.  The reception was lovely.  Outside in a tent, a cider mill, where people took turns making fresh cider to drink (and ooooooooooh was it good!).  The play list was amazing, the food was delicious, and just watching Cynthia be a social butterfly going from table to table talking to everyone.  The "misfits" table, aka friends, were right next to Cynthia and Timmy's table right in the middle of everything.  She took lots of time and careful planning, including all of the landscaping all summer, to make this a perfect day.  The rain even stopped so that the ceremony could go on as planned, outside.

Last night I spent the night at John's.  It's my new weekend routine.  I go there, with kids, without kids, it doesn't matter.  The nice thing is that they know him, and have for several years, so I'm not worried about bringing them around him.  This morning he and I made venison stew and put it in the crockpot.  It was smelling so good when I left!  I love the weekends.  They're usually a little crazy, but fun and wonderful.  I feel so at home with John.

Tonight I have a Dexter premiere party with Alex.  I just baked the cupcakes.  She has the whole thing planned out.  Pulled pork and potato salad, and red velvet cupcakes for dessert.  It's going to be so much fun :)

And I leave with this picture.  Miss Eloise being a flower girl!

The week in review...

This has felt like the worlds longest week.  I'm not entirely sure why, just lots going on I guess.

I had a test in biology on Monday, and I have a test in my computer course today.  I also have a wedding to go to.

My best friend from high school is getting married today.  They've been together for 9 years.  She is so excited.  I'm hoping the weather clears up soon, as it's raining and the wedding is outdoors.  Eloise is the flower girl.  She's walking down the aisle hand in hand with one of the bridesmaids.  She looks like a little doll all dressed up.  I'm going to curl her hair, and she'll have a wreath of babies breath in her hair.  ♥

After I'm done partying it up at the wedding, I'll be off for the night.  I live for the weekends.  Tomorrow, I need to do homework, and make cupcakes for Alex's Dexter party.  Good times :) 

Being back in the full swing of school is tough, but rewarding.  I'm really enjoying just taking two classes.  I prefer part time school to full time school.  I could probably do 3/4 time.  I might try next semester and see how three classes goes.  After talking to my advisor of course.  Or an advisor...maybe not *my* advisor...I'm not terribly comfortable with him...

Off to take a test!

The weekend

This weekend was a blast.  We all went to the Renaissance Faire.  4 adults, 4 children.  It was a great child to adult ratio :-p  The kids were all amazing.  There is Aiyana, 7, Jaime, 6, Lexi, 5, and Eloise, 4.  This was my first time at the Faire and it will certainly not be my last.  In fact, I think that we're going to be returning sooner rather than later.  I'm looking at the 2nd weekend in October. 

With all of the fun we had, we had some trying times too.  The sleepover.  The kids all had a hard time getting to sleep, which is unusual for Jaime.  He is just about the easiest kid in the world to get to bed, unless he's overstimulated, and he was.  I'm sure that over time all of the kinks will be worked out and we'll get a bedtime routine down.  For now, it will be trial and error.  We're going to have to play with it over the next couple of months to get things right.

As for me personally, things are going quite well.  I still have good days and rough days (I can't say bad, because it has been a really long time since I've had a genuinely bad day).  I get through the rough with the help of family and friends, and the good are often because of the wonderful people in my life.  I can never remember being this happy.  I remember faking it, and being pleased with some things, but never true happiness.  There were glimmers of hope through all of the darkness, but the happiness was never able to break through.  I still remember all of the overcompensating and acting that I did to get through my days.  It was worth it so that I can experience what I have now.  Everything was worth it.  The breakdown, the hospitalization, the IOP, the continuing therapy I'm doing now.  Those were the steps I had to take to get to where I am right now.

I have love, I have family, I have friends.  That is all I need.

Cooking day!

Let's caption my day.  I baked today!!!!

First, Alex and I did a trial run on our red velvet cupcakes for her Dexter premiere party.  These are the naked cupcakes.  They are made from scratch, not a stinky box mix :)

Next, we dressed the cupcakes up with lovely cream cheese frosting.  Thick, creamy, not too sweet.  Perfection.

Next up came the blood.  It's Dexter...there has to be blood.  The final product will have a sugar knife in it, but we haven't gotten those yet.  I love Halloween stuff =)
(mom says this is why the two of us are in therapy.)  :) lol.











Then came the real cooking.  This is called a borscht, but it's really a beef stew with beets.  It has stew beef, bay leaf, carrot, celery, onion, garlic, tomato paste, shredded beets and cabbage.

This is the finished product.  Obviously, red is the color of the day.  :-p  

Obviously, all of this cooking has made me red too.  :) 

I had a really great day with Alexandra.  We usually do.  It is so nice to have a friend that gets where I'm coming from, and has struggled with similar issues.  We met in our outpatient group, and while generally it is frowned upon to hang out with people outside of group, sometimes it's OK.  We're the exception to the rule.  My clinician was glad that we connected, because she thought that we could be good support systems for the other.  We are.

Until next time, I'll just keep having more fun in the kitchen!

Love is...

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This verse speaks to me in so many more ways than the standard "wedding verse".  I try to think of this in terms of life.  In how I treat others, how I treat my children, as well as how I love in a romantic sense.  I don't identify myself with any specific religion, but I think the Bible is an important piece of literature that has meaningful words, just as I pull quotes from things ranging from Winnie the Pooh to Thich Nhat Hanh.

There is so much love in the world if you really stop to look.  Mothers, fathers and their children, grandparents, spouses, friends, neighbors. 

I am so lucky to have a life full of love.  I am surrounded by it.  Love from my parents, unbending and unconditional.  Love from my children, who come to me when they're hurt, sick, or just want a hug.  The love I feel for them is stronger than any other love in the world.  Love from my friends, who stand by me through the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The true friends who have always been there no matter how far gone I was.  Love of a man.  Someone who loves me for who I am and nothing more.  Someone who just wants to spend time with me, even if it's just to sit on the couch and do nothing.  Someone who is proud of my accomplishments, and is eager to see me reach my goals.

When I lost sight of all of the love that surrounds me, I went to a dark place that was hard to come out of.  Without all of that love, I don't think I would have come out of it.  I had friends to hold my hand, parents to support me so I didn't fall right back down, children to give me hugs and kisses and remind me that life is worth living.  Step by step, with people holding my hands to support me if I stumbled, and sometimes people to carry me when I couldn't make it on my own.

I am the luckiest woman in the world.

A picture is worth 1,000 words...

Keeping busy!!

Busy, happy, BUSY!!!

I've been so busy lately.  I'm pouring myself into school, getting my work done and having some fun along the way.

This weekend I went to a car show with a friend and his two girls.  My kids were with their father (which is another blog for another day)  I love walking around and looking at all of the cars, new and old.  The funniest part was when some random guy told me the flux capacitor wasn't working in a specific Delorean LMAO.  The girls were blank faced wondering what I was chuckling at.  Hehehe!  There was also a lego expert there with approximately 60,000 Legos for kids to play with.  Some of the things that this guy made were just amazing.  It is so cool what you can do with legos.  I got Jaime a book of cool cars and trucks to build.  He loves his lego sets.

I'm all caught up on everything school related until tomorrow.  Then I'll have another multi page lab write up to do.  As long as I keep on top of things, it isn't too bad.  It just takes hours upon hours to do...  It'll be nice over Thanksgiving to have a nice recess where I don't work or go to class for a few days.

Tomorrow is my first rehearsal with the Mystic River Chorale.  I have a babysitter all lined up, and I'm psyched to get into it.  It has been way way WAY too long since I've had the pleasure of singing with a group.  It's going to be tough being out until 10 rehearsing though.  Rehearsals run from 7-9:15 every Monday night, then it's a half hour home, shower, and bed. 

Life has thrown me some unexpected curve balls lately, but nothing bad, and nothing I can't handle.

Always remember

I love you so deeply there are no words to express what I feel
When you cry, I cry
When you laugh, it's the most amazing sound in the world
When you're proud, I'm bursting with pride
When you're hurt, I feel your pain
When you tell me you love me, my heart feels joy
I'm already proud of who you are, the potential you have, the things you've overcome, and who you will become in the future
You are my light, my reason for being, my everything

♪♫ Caro Mio Ben ♫♪

"I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours.  But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places.  Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality."

~H.A. Overstreet

I'm in.  I did it.  I faced my nerves and auditioned for a chorale. 

Tonight was my first audition in about 10 years.  It was a real audition too.  They tested my range, had me pitch matching, I sang my audition piece, and sight read.  I still stink at sight reading.  It doesn't matter if you throw a random page of notes at me, or an excerpt from a German piece.  I suck at sight reading, but, no matter.  I pick up on things quickly, and I'm in the chorale.  Rehearsals start next week.  So Mondays, which are already busy, just got busier and I couldn't be more thrilled.

There are so many aspects of my life that are good right now.  I'm doing so well on practically every front.  Things just seem to be falling into place as if they were just meant to happen exactly in this specific way.

There is just one part of my life right now that has some turmoil.  I'm taking a good hard look at the kids' overnight visitation.  Due to a change in circumstances, I feel even less comfortable with the idea of the kids spending the night with their dad.  I was never too keen on the idea before, but there wasn't any reason for me to stop the visits.  Now I'm left with even more unrest, and lack of an idea about what my next step will be.  Hopefully my attorney will be able to steer me in the right direction and my kids will be able to remain safe on their visits with their father.

Reflections

"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."

- Tori Amos

10 years ago this country experienced a horror that it hasn't often seen.

I was in my first semester of college.  I remember my alarm clock going off, and hearing that one of the twin towers had been hit by a plane.  I didn't have a TV, so I immediately went to CNN's website.  It was jammed.  I couldn't get any information to load at all, so I went into the common room and turned on the television.  I watched, in horror, as the second tower was hit by the plane.  I was still watching when the towers fell, not believing what I was seeing.  I never imagined that in my lifetime we would ever witness such a terrifying act of violence. 

The campus shut down for two full days, some classes didn't meet at all for the rest of the week.  Many people left campus to go and be with family, some of us stayed.  People donated blood, did whatever they could think of to help.  Some people were lost, some scared.  The Muslim population on campus laid low, not knowing if they would be looked at differently now that this had occurred.

I remember talking to family, wishing that I had a way home.  It wouldn't have done anything to be home instead of at school.  I'd still be sitting around watching footage of the attack.  I would have been more comfortable, and possibly less afraid if I could have been with those who I loved.

The images are still burned vividly in my mind.  The pictures, the footage, the stories of survival that were printed in the magazines and newspapers.  The images of people jumping out of the building so they didn't have to burn.  The days that followed where they pulled out body after body, no one still alive.

Now I look at my children, ages 6 and 4, who weren't alive and have no idea what today signifies.  Much how my generation is about Pearl Harbor.  We know what happened, but we weren't there for the horror of the attack.  I know it is my job to teach them, to screen what they see, so they aren't traumatized by the images of people dying, but to make them understand the gravity of the event.

I will never forget.  I will never lose the looks of terror, despair, pain that people felt that day.  Like so many others, I will pray on this day for those who lost their lives, and for their families.

The calm before the storm

"Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment I know this is the only moment."
— Thich Nhat Hanh (Being Peace)

I've recently started getting up at 5 am.  I love the hour before the kids get up.  I have time to wake up in the quiet, drink my coffee, and watch as the sun rises each morning. 

My kids are early risers.  They're usually up around 6 am or shortly after.  When I allow myself to sleep until they get up, the mornings are chaotic.  Getting up earlier than them gives me some peaceful time to wake up and prepare for the day. 

Today, I have a class from 9-12, then I have to do something with the kids.  I'm thinking about taking them to the fair, so that they can see the animals and do some fun things.  I'm not used to having the kids on a Saturday, but their father contacted me last night to tell me that he will be unable to take them.  I'm looking forward to doing something fun with them!

Reviving my soul

“Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life”
Berthold Auerbach

I have been singing.  ALL.DAY. 

Once upon a time I used to love singing.  I was in the chorus, the madrigals, the women's chorus, and I was a part of the All Regional and All New England choirs.  I even went to college as a voice major on my first try at college.  I let that part of me die for a long time, though not intentionally.  I tried singing in the church choir for a bit, but the rehearsals were at 8 on Sunday mornings.  I didn't have anyone to watch my kids.  My ex-husband wouldn't do it, and I couldn't bring them with me, so I let it go.

Now, as part of my recovery, I'm bringing the music back into my life.  On Monday evening, I'm auditioning for a community choir.  Guess what my audition piece is?  That's right!  Caro Mio Ben.  It's the gold standard in the vocal world.  Anyone who takes vocal lessons learns it, and sings it for a recital, and audition, you name it, it's been done.  My voice is tired, but it feels SO good to be singing again.  Singing brings me to a place that nothing else can.  It is something that I excel at.  It is an escape for me.  I can sing words in Italian, French, German, languages that I only speak in song.  Languages that are far more expressive than English.  For the three minutes it takes me to sing the piece, I'm someone else completely.  I could be a scorned lover, a young woman who is consumed by love, a woman singing her last words as she dies a tragic death. 

This part of me that has been dead for so long is being revived, and I feel amazing because of it.  I will never again let something that is so important to my soul die.

Peace

"The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

 

There is a certain peace first thing in the morning that you don't get to experience when you sleep in.  This morning I set my alarm for 5 am.  When it went off, I laid around for about 5 minutes, then got up.  By doing this I was able to have some time this morning without the kids up.  I had to be up so that Eloise could be ready to go at 6:15.  With her in Pre-K, she has to be up and ready to go in with my mom, since her school is on my mom's way into work.

 

I was able to have my coffee this morning in total peace.  No one talking to me, no one waiting for their breakfasts, no one running around playing.  My morning has been significantly less chaotic, both for me and the kids.  I'm sitting here at quarter after 7 completely showered, dressed, hair done, and makeup done instead of running around getting the kids dressed, lunches packed, breakfasts on the table, all while praying we make it out the door by 8 so that I can get to work on time!

 

Without all of the rushing around, my morning is calm and peaceful.  I feel like this is the way to set all 3 of us up for a good day.

 

 

Speaking and listening

"I am determined to practice deep listening. I am determined to practice loving speech."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

When was the last time you listened to someone?  Did you actually listen, or just hear what they had to say?  There is a huge difference, and I know I'm guilty of hearing what people say without actually listening.  Just this weekend, as I sat in class, I heard everything that the professor said, but didn't actively listen the whole time.  I spent a lot of time just scanning what he was saying and doing other things on the computer while he yammered on.  I'm guilty of this in other aspects too.  Sometimes I'll get bored of hearing what people have to say and just listen and nod my head at the appropriate times.  These are the conversations that I'm unable to recall when the issues are brought up another time. 

This week, I will practice active, deep listening.  At home, in class, at work, and at therapy.  Especially in my relationships.  Those with friends, and family.

Loving speech is not always easy.  When I'm annoyed, I tend to get sharp with my words, my tone, and my demeanor.  It was pointed out to me this weekend that I do this.  I wasn't even consciously aware that I was doing it.  I heard what was said to me, and I listened to what was said to me.  I will now work on changing that particular behavior.  For me, loving speech is the hardest to do when it's needed the most.  When I'm annoyed by things, when something goes wrong, when I'm told something I don't want to hear.  I suspect, that by being aware of my tone, and using loving speech instead of barking directions, that everyone in my family unit will be much happier.

In the dark

I'm sitting in the library at school typing this.  We are currently on day 5 with no power at my house.  It's lovely.  I don't miss the TV, I can live without the Internet, but the no running water is KILLING ME.  We're bathing with Dr. Bronner's soap in the lake, doing dishes with boiled water, mostly using paper plates and plastic cutlery, and hanging out after dark by the light of the hurricane lamps.

When Irene hit, it had been downgraded to a tropical storm.  I can't imagine what an actual hurricane would have done.  I hope we don't get another storm like that for another 20 years.  It was terrifying.  Trees snapping, big branches coming down, one tree only missing the house by about 10 feet.  All of the things I thought were really cool about Hurricane Bob, I found incredibly scary this time.  I guess that's the difference between an 8 year old and a 28 year old.  You know the potential for damage...  Fortunately, we all stayed safe, the basement stayed dry, the tree missed the house, and none of the cars were damaged.

I started classes this week, which is really nice.  I love getting out of the house and using my brain :)  I had my first Biology lecture yesterday.  It was really interesting.  I like the professor's teaching style.  She really caters to everyone.  She lectures, uses visual aids (powerpoint) and gives examples.  It's nice to listen to someone that doesn't end up sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher after 5 minutes.  I'm looking forward to having lab (which won't be for another week, we missed Monday after the storm, and this week is Labor Day).

All in all, things are good, life is busy, and we're starting to get into a schedule.  I think things will be much calmer when Jaime starts school on Tuesday.  Maybe we'll have power by then :D

Evolution

"When we are mindful, deeply in touch with the present moment, our understanding of what is going on deepens, and we begin to be filled with acceptance, joy, peace and love."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

 

 

Mindfulness has become an important part of my life.  I find more and more when I take time out of my day to just focus on one thing for even just a moment, I feel more grounded.  Sometimes its when I'm eating, actually tasting my food, eating more slowly, paying attention to my body's signals to me.  When I'm no longer hungry, when I want snacks but what my body really wants is something to drink. 

 

Another part of my life that's changing are my relationships with certain people.  Friendships are evolving.  Some of my closer friendships are now forever changed because of life events.  It isn't necessarily a bad thing either.  Different isn't always bad.  I'm learning that some changes are to be embraced, not feared and pushed away.  Change doesn't always have to be bad.  For me, realizing this is huge.  Just a month or so ago I was fearful and anxious about all changes.  Now, today, I'm ok with some of the things that are happening.  Classes are starting back up.  This will be a good change.  A change that will bring me back a good schedule and structure.  School starts for Jaime and Eloise.  Again, a change that offers structure and schedule.  Something all three of us crave. 

 

As far as my changing relationships, I'll just continue to ride the waves of change and see where I land.  I have faith that it will end up being the way that it should be, and everyone will have happiness and hopefully success.  If I stumble along the way, I have friends, and family who will pick me up, and hold my hand as I navigate the roads that are ahead.

My heart.

I carry your heart with me.

e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Nothing

“Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.” -Lao Tzu

Guess what I did today?  That's right.  Nothing. 

Eloise was home sick today.  There is a bug going around daycare that causes a high fever.  Goody.  I'm so glad she caught it. </sarcasm>  It was a long night last night.  She was disoriented, and talking to hallucinations.  Not fun for a mother to see.  Of course, as Murphy would have it, she had to stay home today with only a mild fever.  We spent the day watching movies.  She wasn't happy, because daycare is more fun, and I wasn't happy because I'd rather be working and going to my regularly scheduled therapy session.  I called out of work and changed therapy to this evening.

Today showed me that I really could never just be a stay at home mom or a housewife.  I'm just not happy in those roles.  I would much rather be working, even in a silly job.  I need to get out of the house, I crave adult interactions.  I'm a better mother when I get to have time away.  At least I know now that I need that time away.  I enjoy working.

Therapy was very good.  I've come such an incredibly long way since my crisis in May.  I'm at the point where I can go to work, and function without crippling anxiety.  I'm excited (and nervous and anxious) about classes starting on Monday.  I'm thrilled that school is starting back up.  The structure will be good for all of us.  I'm excited for Eloise, as she starts Pre-K in September.  I'm excited for the routine that we all get into as the school year goes into full swing.

With all of the nothingness, I'm not terribly tired tonight, but I'll go to sleep like I always do, and have sweet dreams.  Dreams of the future, of love, hope, happiness that I'm sure is out there waiting for me.  Or...maybe I'll just dream about the new to me car that I get to pick up on Saturday ;)

A crimp in the day

"Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

 

 

Today is a new day.  I had a rough night with my daughter.  She started running a fever last night shortly before she went to bed.  I spent the night with her in my room, tossing, turning, and wanting to be practically on top of me.  She was disoriented and hallucinating.  The tylenol didn't bring her fever down much.  This morning, she is still sleeping.  It is now just after 7 am.  My kids never sleep that late.

 

Because I have a sick child, my plans for the day are completely shot.  I had to call out of work last night so that I can be home with her, and this morning I have to either cancel, or try and reschedule my therapy appointment that I have set for 2 pm.  This is the first time since my hospitalization that I'm missing therapy.  My goal for that is to practice the skills I'm learning in DBT, and meditating during nap time so that I can have some quiet time for mindfulness.  I'm finding more and more how important it is to me to just have a little down time for relaxing and mindful thinking.

 

Taking care of myself has made me a better mother to my children.  I don't feel cross all the time, and though I still get annoyed, I feel that way less and less as each day happens.  For the first time in months, I feel like myself.  I don't have fleeting thoughts of suicide or harming myself to feel a release.  I don't feel sad, worthless, or guilty.  I'm recovering.  Finally.

Crazy

cra·zy

adjective

1.

mentally deranged; demented; insane.

2.

senseless; impractical; totally unsound: a crazy scheme.

3.

Informal . intensely enthusiastic; passionately excited: crazy about baseball.

4.

Informal . very enamored or infatuated (usually followed by about ): He was crazy about her.

5.

Informal . intensely anxious or eager; impatient: I'm crazy to try those new skis.

Crazy.  I’ve often been called this.  Am I crazy?  Are clinically and seriously depressed people crazy?  Does depression make you mentally deranged, demented, or insane?  No.  I’m not.  I’m a person just like everyone else.  I struggle sometimes with feelings of sadness, guilt, despair, and other wonderful things that come with having depression, but I’m not insane.

Most of the people on the psychiatric unit weren’t “crazy” either.  Most of the people I met were struggling with feelings similar to mine.  There comes a point for some people where everything hurts too much, or they’re just overwhelmed.  That’s OK.  You don’t have to be “normal” all the time. 

Taking medications help to fix a chemical imbalance in the brain.  It doesn’t make me any less “crazy”, it doesn’t make me “normal”, it helps to fix something that is biologically wrong with my body.  Just like a hormone imbalance, a hypo or hyper-thyroid.  Any number of medical problems that people take medications for.  I’m not weaker than anyone else out there.  I take medicine for my health, just like anyone else with any medical condition.

The stigma is still alive and well thanks to shows like iCarly.  The recent episode “I lost my mind”, should leave Nickelodeon ashamed.  The show left the viewer with a very inaccurate and stigmatized view of what a psych unit looks like.  It tells our youth that the only people who go into psych units are delusional, or psychotic.  This just simply isn’t the case.  I plan on writing to Nickelodeon about their “comical” perception of what a psych unit is.  It is things like this that keep those of us who suffer hidden, and afraid to ask for help.

Am I crazy.  I certainly don't think so.

Frustration

"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

Today was one of those wonderful/horrible days.  I had a fabulous time with my mom this morning.  We went to see "The Help", which is fabulous and I highly recommend it.  After that we zoomed through Kohls and had lunch at Panera.  Then we went to get Jaime and take him to swim.  He is stuck on the song "Peaches" by The Presidents of the United States of America.  Dumbest.song.ever. Catchy, repetitive, annoying.  Perfect for a 6 year old.  Not so perfect for a mama who is crampy and on a short fuse today.  I shut my eyes and took deep breaths trying not to flip out.  Mom came to my rescue and started him in on another song, which was much better.

Car is still acting as a lawn ornament.  I'm having it towed tomorrow.  Guess what I'm still driving?  Yup.  Big truck.  Hopefully one more day and I'll be able to borrow another car until I can get mine working again.  I'm so grateful for my awesome friends. 

Tomorrow is another day.  I'll get through this one, as frustrated as I've felt for the second half of the day, I'll get through and tomorrow will be a great day.

Weekend sun and fun.

I had a fabulous weekend.  I spent most of it outdoors with friends.  My kids were gone this weekend, and I spent yesterday with someone else's kids LOL!  We went for a long walk through state property, on trails, and saw the Shetucket River from a ridge trail high above where the river was.  It was beautiful.  All of the pine trees, and quiet of the woods.  We must have walked over a mile and had two very tuckered out kids on Saturday night :)

Today, I went with my mother sailing with family friends.  Talk about being able to have time to be mindful.  Out on the water, boat rocking, wind blowing, the sounds of birds, of other people enjoying their time on the water.  It was wonderful.  I had good conversation, a great sandwich for lunch, and lots of wonderful sun.  I will sleep well tonight for sure.

My car is still stuck, and I still have big truck.  I'm hoping that tomorrow a locksmith can do something for me.  If not, it'll be off to the dealership.  *sigh*  Oh well, worse things have happened!

Tomorrow mom and I are going to have a last hoorah day.  We're going to go see "The Help" and then go to panera for lunch.  Mom is back to school on Wednesday, Jaime and I start on Monday, and Eloise starts pre-k soon.  I'm so excited that we'll all be back into a schedule.  Summer has been wonderful, but I'm ready for some structure.

My car.

My car is stuck.  I was at a friend's house picking up some jars for canning, and when I went to move my car, it wouldn't budge.  The ignition was all locked up.  No biggie.  I jiggled the steering wheel to see if that would work.  The only thing that accomplished was locking my steering wheel.  I ended up taking my friends hugenormous pick up truck so that I could get to group.  I was approximately 1 minute late to group, coming in and apologizing for my car troubles.

I got out of group, came home (in the big truck) and went back that night to see if someone else could free my ignition.  This of course was after 3 of us had already tried every trick we knew.  4th try was a bust.  More jiggling of the wheel, moving it up and down, trying graphite, the spare key, and jacking it up of the ground.  All unsuccessful.  Home I came again in the big truck.  The big truck and I are starting to have a lovely time together, however, I won't miss it too much when I get my nice little car back.  Or don't...I may be buying a new car soon.

Fortunately, I don't have the kids this weekend, so if big truck and I are stuck together, so be it.  I don't have to tote kids around :)

Cars.  Can't live with them, can't live without them!

Cutting back.

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are…it is our choices."
~Dumbledore

I'm cutting back on my electronic time.  I want to spend more time off the TV and computer and live my life a little more.  I will continue to be on for checking my facebook and email, posting my quotes and blogs, but I need to cut down on video game time and the time I spend just wasting on the computer. 

With the new semester starting next week, I need to focus more.  I need to focus on school work, and therapy.  Biology is going to be difficult, I know this.  I'll need ample time to study, and focusing mostly on that and my therapy will probably help make life better all around.  I've gotten away from turning the TV on in the morning for the kids, and directing them to things like legos, and blocks, and baby dolls.  The kids appreciate the time I spend with them, why waste my precious time with them on the TV and computer?

I think, in order for me to recover as fully as possible I need to immerse myself with life.  Time with people, with my children.  Time spent outside, with friends, moving my body and enjoying the sights and sounds around me.  I know my mom will read this and shake her head, because that's what she's been telling me all along.  However, as most of us know, you won't see what needs to be seen, or do what needs to be done until you're good and ready to.  So, mom, you were right.

I have a life that needs to be lived.

Going up!

Up, up, up we go.  My dose of Effexor XR has been increased.  What was once 225, is now 300 mgs.  I'm getting close to the maximum dose. 

So that means my "cocktail" has changed yet again.  I'm hoping that the 75 mg bump will be enough to knock out the symptoms that I'm still having.  Fortunately, the side effects of the meds haven't been bad.  I take everything at night so that I sleep through the worst of it.  At the 225 mg dose, everything wasn't caught.  For the past couple of weeks I've been feeling a bit "off".  I've noticed that I want to sleep more, that I'm not engaging as much as I should, and sometimes I'm still dreading social interactions both at home and at work (which is difficult when you work with people). 

I think the real test will be starting classes again.  It'll be interesting to see how I handle the balance of class, work, and home life.  I'm taking fewer classes this semester, but I'm taking biology, and it's important that I do well in Bio. 

I'm feeling scattered and tired today, probably because of the weather.  Two straight days of rain.  I'm really not enjoying that.  I'm looking forward to the sun coming out again.  I think I'll take my kayak out if it ever shows itself in the sky again!

Another Year

If we really love ourselves, everything in our life works. ~Louise Hay

Another year has come and gone.  Obviously, I'm not measuring time in the "traditional" sense.  Today is my little girl's  4th birthday.  Her actual birth is still fresh in my mind, but she's changed so much in the past 4 year.  She's gone to a helpless newborn to a strong willed, self proclaimed princess.  For the first time since I  have had kids, I'm throwing a party.  No one had ever asked for one, so I never put one on.

This weekend has been busy.  I went to the fair with one friend on Friday, had a different friend over yesterday to play Magic, and I have 5 kids and 3 parents coming over today for the party.  I haven't had much downtime, and the downtime I have had has been filled with racing thoughts.  Wondering why certain things have happened, and about what is to come in the future. 

Obviously I haven't done well with mindfulness this weekend.  I'm going to have to kick it into high gear tomorrow.  Until then, I'm going to ride the wave of madness, and deal with sugared up kids.

:)