Evolution

"When we are mindful, deeply in touch with the present moment, our understanding of what is going on deepens, and we begin to be filled with acceptance, joy, peace and love."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

 

 

Mindfulness has become an important part of my life.  I find more and more when I take time out of my day to just focus on one thing for even just a moment, I feel more grounded.  Sometimes its when I'm eating, actually tasting my food, eating more slowly, paying attention to my body's signals to me.  When I'm no longer hungry, when I want snacks but what my body really wants is something to drink. 

 

Another part of my life that's changing are my relationships with certain people.  Friendships are evolving.  Some of my closer friendships are now forever changed because of life events.  It isn't necessarily a bad thing either.  Different isn't always bad.  I'm learning that some changes are to be embraced, not feared and pushed away.  Change doesn't always have to be bad.  For me, realizing this is huge.  Just a month or so ago I was fearful and anxious about all changes.  Now, today, I'm ok with some of the things that are happening.  Classes are starting back up.  This will be a good change.  A change that will bring me back a good schedule and structure.  School starts for Jaime and Eloise.  Again, a change that offers structure and schedule.  Something all three of us crave. 

 

As far as my changing relationships, I'll just continue to ride the waves of change and see where I land.  I have faith that it will end up being the way that it should be, and everyone will have happiness and hopefully success.  If I stumble along the way, I have friends, and family who will pick me up, and hold my hand as I navigate the roads that are ahead.

My heart.

I carry your heart with me.

e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Nothing

“Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.” -Lao Tzu

Guess what I did today?  That's right.  Nothing. 

Eloise was home sick today.  There is a bug going around daycare that causes a high fever.  Goody.  I'm so glad she caught it. </sarcasm>  It was a long night last night.  She was disoriented, and talking to hallucinations.  Not fun for a mother to see.  Of course, as Murphy would have it, she had to stay home today with only a mild fever.  We spent the day watching movies.  She wasn't happy, because daycare is more fun, and I wasn't happy because I'd rather be working and going to my regularly scheduled therapy session.  I called out of work and changed therapy to this evening.

Today showed me that I really could never just be a stay at home mom or a housewife.  I'm just not happy in those roles.  I would much rather be working, even in a silly job.  I need to get out of the house, I crave adult interactions.  I'm a better mother when I get to have time away.  At least I know now that I need that time away.  I enjoy working.

Therapy was very good.  I've come such an incredibly long way since my crisis in May.  I'm at the point where I can go to work, and function without crippling anxiety.  I'm excited (and nervous and anxious) about classes starting on Monday.  I'm thrilled that school is starting back up.  The structure will be good for all of us.  I'm excited for Eloise, as she starts Pre-K in September.  I'm excited for the routine that we all get into as the school year goes into full swing.

With all of the nothingness, I'm not terribly tired tonight, but I'll go to sleep like I always do, and have sweet dreams.  Dreams of the future, of love, hope, happiness that I'm sure is out there waiting for me.  Or...maybe I'll just dream about the new to me car that I get to pick up on Saturday ;)

A crimp in the day

"Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

 

 

Today is a new day.  I had a rough night with my daughter.  She started running a fever last night shortly before she went to bed.  I spent the night with her in my room, tossing, turning, and wanting to be practically on top of me.  She was disoriented and hallucinating.  The tylenol didn't bring her fever down much.  This morning, she is still sleeping.  It is now just after 7 am.  My kids never sleep that late.

 

Because I have a sick child, my plans for the day are completely shot.  I had to call out of work last night so that I can be home with her, and this morning I have to either cancel, or try and reschedule my therapy appointment that I have set for 2 pm.  This is the first time since my hospitalization that I'm missing therapy.  My goal for that is to practice the skills I'm learning in DBT, and meditating during nap time so that I can have some quiet time for mindfulness.  I'm finding more and more how important it is to me to just have a little down time for relaxing and mindful thinking.

 

Taking care of myself has made me a better mother to my children.  I don't feel cross all the time, and though I still get annoyed, I feel that way less and less as each day happens.  For the first time in months, I feel like myself.  I don't have fleeting thoughts of suicide or harming myself to feel a release.  I don't feel sad, worthless, or guilty.  I'm recovering.  Finally.

Crazy

cra·zy

adjective

1.

mentally deranged; demented; insane.

2.

senseless; impractical; totally unsound: a crazy scheme.

3.

Informal . intensely enthusiastic; passionately excited: crazy about baseball.

4.

Informal . very enamored or infatuated (usually followed by about ): He was crazy about her.

5.

Informal . intensely anxious or eager; impatient: I'm crazy to try those new skis.

Crazy.  I’ve often been called this.  Am I crazy?  Are clinically and seriously depressed people crazy?  Does depression make you mentally deranged, demented, or insane?  No.  I’m not.  I’m a person just like everyone else.  I struggle sometimes with feelings of sadness, guilt, despair, and other wonderful things that come with having depression, but I’m not insane.

Most of the people on the psychiatric unit weren’t “crazy” either.  Most of the people I met were struggling with feelings similar to mine.  There comes a point for some people where everything hurts too much, or they’re just overwhelmed.  That’s OK.  You don’t have to be “normal” all the time. 

Taking medications help to fix a chemical imbalance in the brain.  It doesn’t make me any less “crazy”, it doesn’t make me “normal”, it helps to fix something that is biologically wrong with my body.  Just like a hormone imbalance, a hypo or hyper-thyroid.  Any number of medical problems that people take medications for.  I’m not weaker than anyone else out there.  I take medicine for my health, just like anyone else with any medical condition.

The stigma is still alive and well thanks to shows like iCarly.  The recent episode “I lost my mind”, should leave Nickelodeon ashamed.  The show left the viewer with a very inaccurate and stigmatized view of what a psych unit looks like.  It tells our youth that the only people who go into psych units are delusional, or psychotic.  This just simply isn’t the case.  I plan on writing to Nickelodeon about their “comical” perception of what a psych unit is.  It is things like this that keep those of us who suffer hidden, and afraid to ask for help.

Am I crazy.  I certainly don't think so.

Frustration

"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand."
— Thich Nhat Hanh

Today was one of those wonderful/horrible days.  I had a fabulous time with my mom this morning.  We went to see "The Help", which is fabulous and I highly recommend it.  After that we zoomed through Kohls and had lunch at Panera.  Then we went to get Jaime and take him to swim.  He is stuck on the song "Peaches" by The Presidents of the United States of America.  Dumbest.song.ever. Catchy, repetitive, annoying.  Perfect for a 6 year old.  Not so perfect for a mama who is crampy and on a short fuse today.  I shut my eyes and took deep breaths trying not to flip out.  Mom came to my rescue and started him in on another song, which was much better.

Car is still acting as a lawn ornament.  I'm having it towed tomorrow.  Guess what I'm still driving?  Yup.  Big truck.  Hopefully one more day and I'll be able to borrow another car until I can get mine working again.  I'm so grateful for my awesome friends. 

Tomorrow is another day.  I'll get through this one, as frustrated as I've felt for the second half of the day, I'll get through and tomorrow will be a great day.

Weekend sun and fun.

I had a fabulous weekend.  I spent most of it outdoors with friends.  My kids were gone this weekend, and I spent yesterday with someone else's kids LOL!  We went for a long walk through state property, on trails, and saw the Shetucket River from a ridge trail high above where the river was.  It was beautiful.  All of the pine trees, and quiet of the woods.  We must have walked over a mile and had two very tuckered out kids on Saturday night :)

Today, I went with my mother sailing with family friends.  Talk about being able to have time to be mindful.  Out on the water, boat rocking, wind blowing, the sounds of birds, of other people enjoying their time on the water.  It was wonderful.  I had good conversation, a great sandwich for lunch, and lots of wonderful sun.  I will sleep well tonight for sure.

My car is still stuck, and I still have big truck.  I'm hoping that tomorrow a locksmith can do something for me.  If not, it'll be off to the dealership.  *sigh*  Oh well, worse things have happened!

Tomorrow mom and I are going to have a last hoorah day.  We're going to go see "The Help" and then go to panera for lunch.  Mom is back to school on Wednesday, Jaime and I start on Monday, and Eloise starts pre-k soon.  I'm so excited that we'll all be back into a schedule.  Summer has been wonderful, but I'm ready for some structure.

My car.

My car is stuck.  I was at a friend's house picking up some jars for canning, and when I went to move my car, it wouldn't budge.  The ignition was all locked up.  No biggie.  I jiggled the steering wheel to see if that would work.  The only thing that accomplished was locking my steering wheel.  I ended up taking my friends hugenormous pick up truck so that I could get to group.  I was approximately 1 minute late to group, coming in and apologizing for my car troubles.

I got out of group, came home (in the big truck) and went back that night to see if someone else could free my ignition.  This of course was after 3 of us had already tried every trick we knew.  4th try was a bust.  More jiggling of the wheel, moving it up and down, trying graphite, the spare key, and jacking it up of the ground.  All unsuccessful.  Home I came again in the big truck.  The big truck and I are starting to have a lovely time together, however, I won't miss it too much when I get my nice little car back.  Or don't...I may be buying a new car soon.

Fortunately, I don't have the kids this weekend, so if big truck and I are stuck together, so be it.  I don't have to tote kids around :)

Cars.  Can't live with them, can't live without them!

Cutting back.

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are…it is our choices."
~Dumbledore

I'm cutting back on my electronic time.  I want to spend more time off the TV and computer and live my life a little more.  I will continue to be on for checking my facebook and email, posting my quotes and blogs, but I need to cut down on video game time and the time I spend just wasting on the computer. 

With the new semester starting next week, I need to focus more.  I need to focus on school work, and therapy.  Biology is going to be difficult, I know this.  I'll need ample time to study, and focusing mostly on that and my therapy will probably help make life better all around.  I've gotten away from turning the TV on in the morning for the kids, and directing them to things like legos, and blocks, and baby dolls.  The kids appreciate the time I spend with them, why waste my precious time with them on the TV and computer?

I think, in order for me to recover as fully as possible I need to immerse myself with life.  Time with people, with my children.  Time spent outside, with friends, moving my body and enjoying the sights and sounds around me.  I know my mom will read this and shake her head, because that's what she's been telling me all along.  However, as most of us know, you won't see what needs to be seen, or do what needs to be done until you're good and ready to.  So, mom, you were right.

I have a life that needs to be lived.

Going up!

Up, up, up we go.  My dose of Effexor XR has been increased.  What was once 225, is now 300 mgs.  I'm getting close to the maximum dose. 

So that means my "cocktail" has changed yet again.  I'm hoping that the 75 mg bump will be enough to knock out the symptoms that I'm still having.  Fortunately, the side effects of the meds haven't been bad.  I take everything at night so that I sleep through the worst of it.  At the 225 mg dose, everything wasn't caught.  For the past couple of weeks I've been feeling a bit "off".  I've noticed that I want to sleep more, that I'm not engaging as much as I should, and sometimes I'm still dreading social interactions both at home and at work (which is difficult when you work with people). 

I think the real test will be starting classes again.  It'll be interesting to see how I handle the balance of class, work, and home life.  I'm taking fewer classes this semester, but I'm taking biology, and it's important that I do well in Bio. 

I'm feeling scattered and tired today, probably because of the weather.  Two straight days of rain.  I'm really not enjoying that.  I'm looking forward to the sun coming out again.  I think I'll take my kayak out if it ever shows itself in the sky again!

Another Year

If we really love ourselves, everything in our life works. ~Louise Hay

Another year has come and gone.  Obviously, I'm not measuring time in the "traditional" sense.  Today is my little girl's  4th birthday.  Her actual birth is still fresh in my mind, but she's changed so much in the past 4 year.  She's gone to a helpless newborn to a strong willed, self proclaimed princess.  For the first time since I  have had kids, I'm throwing a party.  No one had ever asked for one, so I never put one on.

This weekend has been busy.  I went to the fair with one friend on Friday, had a different friend over yesterday to play Magic, and I have 5 kids and 3 parents coming over today for the party.  I haven't had much downtime, and the downtime I have had has been filled with racing thoughts.  Wondering why certain things have happened, and about what is to come in the future. 

Obviously I haven't done well with mindfulness this weekend.  I'm going to have to kick it into high gear tomorrow.  Until then, I'm going to ride the wave of madness, and deal with sugared up kids.

:)

 

Mindfulness

I wish I could show you, When you are lonely or in darkness, The astonishing light of your own being. ~Hafiz

I somehow failed to mention in the blogging world that I not only survived Chemistry (class and the exam) but I ended up with a final grade of a B-.  I am SO thrilled with that grade.  :)

I started my DBT group today.  It was ok.  I was anxious going into a new group, seeing new faces, hearing new voices, having new group leaders.  We started off the session with a crossword puzzle.  The point of the exercise was to get us to focus on one thing, and not have our thoughts racing all over the place.  After some time doing that, we passed around a basket of rocks.  Everyone was to pick a rock that they felt somehow signified a time or a part of their lives.  As I sit here and look at my rock, it matches our counter tops almost perfectly.  I didn't realize that at the time. 

The rock I picked is gray with some streaks of a pinky quartz and darker grays, almost black.  It also has some sparkles from the mica that runs throughout the rock.  For me, the colors represent the dark times and the lighter times in my life, and the few times that I've shined.

I also have homework.  This week I have to practice mindfulness.  Using all of  my senses in the activity I'm doing.  The sounds, smells, touch, what it looks like, what my body is doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, and tastes.  I have sheets to fill out where I have to do this a minimum of 4 times.  It could be any activity.  Kayaking, eating, listening to music, meditating.  This morning I kayaked.  I focused on the animals and birds I saw, smelled the concord grapes, heard the water, felt my boat rock in the water, thought only about the act of moving my arms to paddle through the water.

This week, I will be mindful.

What lies inside

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today I had therapy.  Wendesdays are tough.  This week we did a guided meditation.  It focused on self esteem.  For however long, probably about half of my session, I was able to lose myself.  It was relaxing, but hard to believe.  Part of my therapy is working on my self esteem.  That part of me is so broken.  The biggest goal of both my individual and group therapy is to change the way I view myself.

The quote by Emerson rings so true to me.  What is in the past I can't change.  What is in the future will depend on what I do with what is inside me.  I can go forward loving myself, and taking control of my choices (hell, I'll even take liking myself), or I can go forward in the way I've been living my life.  Going forward with a positive self image will make for a better future for me, for my kids, for any future partner.

This week, I will focus on positive meditation.  I will practice this tecnique no fewer than 3 times this week.

Falling rain

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
Confucius

 It's raining.  That about sums up how I'm feeling today.  I spent the day cleaning and moving furniture around.  The day bed that was in my room now lives in the basement, and the dresser for Boo is now in my room.  She will now be using my room as her dressing room since both kids are getting older.  Someday, hopefully in the not too distant future, I'll have my own home, with three bedrooms.

My whole body hurts.  Probably a combination of the rain we're getting and moving things up and down stairs all day.  I just ache.  I'd love nothing more than to curl up in bed and go to sleep.  Physical pain gets me down.  When my body hurts, my whole being hurts.  Sun is supposed to help depression.  Rain does not.  When there isn't any sun, my mood decreases incredible amounts.  I'm not sure that part of my depression will ever really get better.  It's times like these I wish that there was some sort of magic fix, like the wonderful meds for anxiety, that could turn a depressed afternoon into something better.  Nothing like that exists yet, so we just "fake it till we make it".  Yay.

Step by step, things will slowly get better.  I just can't stop moving, or I'll end up back where I started.

The Mirror

All misfortune is but a stepping stone to fortune.
Henry David Thoreau

Every day when I look in the mirror, I see someone new.  I'm not the same person I was a few months ago.  I'm thinner for one, and happier.  Stable.  I still have good days and bad days, but for the most part I see a content person looking back at me.

When I look back over the past couple of years, I see the ups, the downs, but mostly the changes.  Some are outward for everyone to see, but most are inward.  The physical is obvious.  My hair is long, not growing out from the buzz cut, and my face is much thinner.  Looking deeper I can see pain, betrayal, weakness, deep depression, recovery, contentment, happiness, growing strength.  These things might not be apparent to others who see me, but they are right in the forefront for me.

My relationships with other people are also changing.  Those who I was once close to, I'm feeling distant from.   Those who I tried to stay away from,  are becoming closer to me.  We all have choices to make as part of our lives.  Choices of who to be close to, and who to keep at an arms length.  The people you choose to keep close help shape your character.  I've made some recent decisions, that though tough, will help me continue on the path that I've chosen, and help me to become the person I want to be.

Raw emotions

There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self.
Hindu Proverb

I had my first real one on one therapy session today.  It brought up all kinds of things in my past that I've tried to bury.  I'm raw.  I feel like a bunch of wounds have been reopened.  Wounds from as recently as a few months ago, to wounds from 10+ years ago.  It won't always be this hard.  Or, maybe it will.  I've never stuck with therapy for longer than a couple of months before so I really can't say that with any authority.  The goal this time is to stick with it.  I start my DBT group next week.  I would start tomorrow, but I'm going away for a few days for a much needed reality break.

I knew today was going to be hard.  I'm still on pins and needles waiting for my chem grade to be posted, I had to work, and I had to meet with the disability counselor.  Work was fine, I'm training on the computer, which is awesome so I can actually *help* people that need help.  I was filled with anxiety the entire 4 hours.  I was able to get it under control with an ativan so I wasn't visibly anxious.  No one wants to be around someone who is visibly anxious.

 Meeting with the disability counselor was good too.  I now have a form to give to my professors that has some accommodations to make class a little easier.  Sitting near a door in case I need to leave, recording lectures so I can go over the lecture at home, taking tests in the testing center rather than the lecture hall, extra absences so if I have an appointment or god forbid, another depressive episode, I won't be penalized.  I also found out that I can appeal some grades from last semester based on my hospitalization.  *Deep sigh of relief*  I don't want to abuse these accommodations, but I do plan on using them.  All except for the absences, unless I absolutely can't get an appointment any other time.

I'm breathing and trying to cope with the raw emotions I'm feeling.  One second at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time.

I survived!!!

Our greatest glory consist not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~Oliver Goldsmith

Chem is over.  My exam is in the hands of the great Chemistry gods.  I spent 2.5 hours this morning taking a 200 question exam.  This ends the last thing that was looming over my head from when I was hospitalized.  My professor really couldn't have been more accommodating.  Grades are due on Wednesday, and I might just ask the registrars office if they can give me my final grade (perk to working right next to them :-p) My brain is fried, and I'm thrilled to have a couple of weeks "off". 

In this time off I have much to do.  See a new prescriber, a new therapist (Wednesday at 3), and start a new group.  Next week.  This week I'm taking off to spend a long weekend with my grandparents.  I can't wait.  It will be time away from home, and the kids.  Time to sleep in, stay up too late doing nothing, and just chilling with my grandma (and chill poolside at my Aunt and Uncles house!!!)  I take the train out on Thursday morning, and come back Monday afternoon.  VACATION!!!

I have many things to conquer still, but things are looking up.  Life is good.