Raw emotions

There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self.
Hindu Proverb

I had my first real one on one therapy session today.  It brought up all kinds of things in my past that I've tried to bury.  I'm raw.  I feel like a bunch of wounds have been reopened.  Wounds from as recently as a few months ago, to wounds from 10+ years ago.  It won't always be this hard.  Or, maybe it will.  I've never stuck with therapy for longer than a couple of months before so I really can't say that with any authority.  The goal this time is to stick with it.  I start my DBT group next week.  I would start tomorrow, but I'm going away for a few days for a much needed reality break.

I knew today was going to be hard.  I'm still on pins and needles waiting for my chem grade to be posted, I had to work, and I had to meet with the disability counselor.  Work was fine, I'm training on the computer, which is awesome so I can actually *help* people that need help.  I was filled with anxiety the entire 4 hours.  I was able to get it under control with an ativan so I wasn't visibly anxious.  No one wants to be around someone who is visibly anxious.

 Meeting with the disability counselor was good too.  I now have a form to give to my professors that has some accommodations to make class a little easier.  Sitting near a door in case I need to leave, recording lectures so I can go over the lecture at home, taking tests in the testing center rather than the lecture hall, extra absences so if I have an appointment or god forbid, another depressive episode, I won't be penalized.  I also found out that I can appeal some grades from last semester based on my hospitalization.  *Deep sigh of relief*  I don't want to abuse these accommodations, but I do plan on using them.  All except for the absences, unless I absolutely can't get an appointment any other time.

I'm breathing and trying to cope with the raw emotions I'm feeling.  One second at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time.