Getting drunk is easier

Though, not smarter.

Christmas is just not the same now that I'm divorced.  I share my day with my ex husband (who I can not stand).  From the time the kids get up until 1 in the afternoon, I get to have them.  I get to see the joy on their faces, get to see them play with their toys, get to just have my babies.  When they leave, I feel lost.  This year I went to John's and got to have a little more time with kids around, but then the time came for them to leave too.

Last year I dealt with it by getting drunk.  This year, I cried.  It was easier to get drunk and be silly.  This year the two of us just kind of went about the day like it was just another day.  I cleaned the kitchen, he went out to the wood pile.  Neither of us talked right away.  I was in no condition to talk, or be around others.  I just needed to quietly deal with my feelings.

I was exhausted by bedtime.  Physically from being up late on Christmas Eve, and emotionally.  Maybe next year will be better.  Maybe the sting won't be as hard. 

It doesn't seem to matter what gender you are.  Not having your kids is painful.  Divorce sucks.

Merry Christmas

This year I'm spending my holiday between two homes. 
Last night at John's, tonight at my parents (where I live during the week), then Christmas night with John again.  Back and forth, back and forth. 

The kids exchanged gifts this morning, and it was so much fun to see the joy on their faces.  Jaime opening a lego set that belonged to John as a child, Eloise getting puzzles (her favorite thing to), Aiyana and Alexi getting bags filled with goodies and their names embroidered on them.  We've spent the morning playing with new things.  Me with my camera, Aiyana with her yarn and crochet hook, Lexi with her sticker book, Jaime with his legos, and Eloise just staring at the puzzle boxes, waiting to open them until it wasn't so crazy.

Having all of the kids under one roof makes the family feel complete.  The kids miss each other on the weeks they don't see each other, and I miss the kids when they aren't here.  Every other weekend it's just me and John, which is nice, but I still think about, and miss all of the kids.

Through all of this, I'm discovering that change, when made slowly, can be wonderful.  All of the kids are falling nicely into the new routine, and I'm learning how to take care of 4 instead of 2. 

I've learned that you don't have to divide your love, it just grows with each new child that is added to your life.  Our family isn't traditional, but it is wonderful.

Happy Adoption Day!!!

Today is my 23rd adoption day. 

26 years ago in June, my biological father was murdered.  My mother was left with a 2 year old (me), a 3 year old (my sister), and my 6 week old brother.  She is one of the strongest women that I know.  She survived the shock of losing a husband, a father to her children, and being thrown into single parenthood.  Three years later, she started dating the wonderful man that I call Dad.

On August 6th, 1988 my mom married my dad.  On December 13th, 1988 we legally became his children.  We already were, we had been calling him "dad" for months prior, but now, it was official.  We tacked on another (long) last name to our previous last name, and this wonderful man took full responsibility for raising us.  It hasn't always been fun, or easy, but he's done an amazing job.  He continues to blow me away with his unwavering love, and the amazing love he has for his grandkids.

I'm so blessed to have a father.  Not just the father I was born to, but a father who chose me, for better or for worse.

♪♫ It's the most wonderful time of the year ♫♪

Or, it can be. 

Right now I'm sitting in the kitchen at John's, enjoying every second of this season.  The kids laughter, the smell of fresh cookies coming out of the oven, the gathering of families.  Sometimes I'm stressed out to the max.  It depends on the day.  What is nice is that there seems to be a balance this year.  I get stressed, then the weekend rolls around to relax me.  The weekends are never long enough, but they never ever have been.  This year the weekends are a time for an escape.  A much needed escape from the bustle of the season. 

This weekend we have all of the kids.  So far we've been to a family reunion at John's parents house, and I baked 4 dozen cookies. (I'm not entirely sure why I baked, but it was relaxing and quite tasty.  I had a cookie after they came out of the oven.)  Tomorrow the kids and I are going back to mom and dad's to decorate the Christmas tree.  It'll be the first year with 4 kids helping.  I think the magic and joy of Christmas are truly the faces of the kids when you do things like decorate the tree, and on Christmas morning when they all realize that Santa has been to the house.

I am so blessed to have the amazing people in my life that I have. 

Can I please have the floor?

After all, I am the primary caregiver.

My son had an appointment with a child psychiatrist today.  My ex came to the appointment.  He had the floor the entire time we were there while what I had to say, and my concerns were dismissed.  This doctor had the worst bedside manner that I have ever witnessed, and didn't have any child therapists that he refers to.  </headdesk>

To dismiss a parent is horrible, but to dismiss the custodial parent is deplorable.  How on earth can you get an accurate picture of what is going on in a child's life if the story you're hearing is one sided?  How can you treat a child if you don't have the whole picture?

I made many phone calls after the appointment to try and find something else.  I finally settled on the agency that takes care of my therapy and med management.  He has an appointment next week, and I feel much better that both parents will be heard, he will receive the services he needs, and see a doctor who is in the same practice for medication management, for both his anxiety and his ADHD.

I admit, I didn't handle this situation with grace.  I was a sobbing snivilling mess for a good portion of the afternoon.  I was able to get it together to make phone calls to friends who have used child therapists, and to the agency that I use.  I may not have had a totally level head, but I was able to pull it together enough to get what I needed to done, and I'm proud of myself for being able to do that.

Scary thoughts...

Reality check: Fewer than one-third of adults with a mental illness receive mental health treatment. More awareness and advocacy needed for sure.

This is a sad truth indeed posted by NAMI today.  Not only are more awareness and advocacy needed, there needs to be a major reform in health care.  

Unless you are very well off, or dirt poor, services just aren't feasible.  When I was married, and considered to be middle class, I couldn't afford to go to therapy.  A weekly $20 copay wasn't in the budget with two small kids, and bills to pay.  I certainly wouldn't have been able to afford the bi-weekly therapy that I receive now, or the copay for APRN who prescribes my medications.  Lets not even talk about the copay for medicine.  With everything that I take, it would be around $100 per month.  So for the therapy I receive currently, it would cost roughly $280 per month in copays alone.  That didn't fit in the budget, so I didn't get services.

Another thing that hinders people getting services is getting someone to see you.  Trying to find a therapist that 1. takes new patients, and 2. takes your insurance, is no small feat.  It takes a mental health crisis to get into see a therapist.  It seems that if the referral doesn't come from a hospital, or a PHP (partial hospitalization program) it isn't taken seriously.  It would be far less expensive for all involved to provide preventative services, at little to no cost to the patient, than to pay for at least a week of hospitalization and 6 weeks of PHP.  For two days of PHP, the bill was close to $2000, multiply that times 5 for 6 weeks, and you're looking at about $30,000 in medical expenses.  Most people don't stay at 5 days a week for the entire time, realistically it would be more like $20,000 which is still an astronomical figure.

Now, being below poverty level, I get the services I need at no cost to me.  I won't always be eligible for this program, and to be honest, the thought of not being able to afford my therapy terrifies me.  If there aren't changes made soon, I could be out of therapy and struggling to make it on my own.  

I know that many people won't agree with the fact that we need healthcare reform, but think of how much better millions of Americans could be if services were available and affordable.

Happiness

What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.

- Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama 

Happy and Useful.  I've never thought of it like this.  What is happiness if it is of no use to yourself, or more appropriately to someone else?  What good is happiness if you've lost everything you once had?

I am happy.  I share my happiness with the people I come across.  I share it by being helpful, pleasant in my interactions, and being there for my friends through thick and thin.  By doing this, I get pleasure from my every day encounters.  I feel like this helps me in every aspect of my life.  It helps my depression, it helps my mood, it helps me keep my temper at bay, it helps me relate to people.  For me, being happy helps me to BE useful.  Being useful helps to MAKE me happy.

Through all of the recent changes in my life, I've realized that my happiness is not dependent on one person.  There are lots of people that make me happy, and those that don't have no significant role in my life anymore.  Friendship, and relationships are a two way street.  Each person involved in each relationship, whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship has a duty to make sure that the other is happy.  If this breaks down on either side, the friendship or relationship cracks.  Sometimes beyond repair.  

I'm not saying that you have to spend every second of your life trying to make others happy, but I believe that by taking a few minutes out of your day to try and improve someones day, even just a little bit, will make you a happier person.  When you do for someone else, they will do for you.  No matter what kind of relationship you have.  

Without being useful to someone else, without sharing your wealth of happiness, what good is having it at all?